Xref: utzoo rec.humor:26500 sci.bio:2275 Path: utzoo!utgpu!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!mailrus!csd4.csd.uwm.edu!wuarchive!wugate!uunet!mcsun!ukc!mucs!liv-cs!zanussi From: zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk Newsgroups: rec.humor,sci.bio Subject: More dodgy products (i.e. Re: Ott Computer Safety Light) Message-ID: <1199@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk> Date: 5 Sep 89 16:03:55 GMT References: <15388@dartvax.Dartmouth.EDU> Organization: Computer Science CSMVAX, Liverpool University Lines: 80 In article <15388@dartvax.Dartmouth.EDU>, earleh@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Earle R. Horton) writes: [stuff about a computer light that increases life, turns base metals into gold, solves international problems, etc.] On the subject of dodgy products and wild claims, here is a verbatim copy of an advert that surfaced a few months ago :- PHOTOTRON - State Of The Art In Biotechnology ============================================= Over 80,000 sold worldwide Hello, my name is Jeffery DeMarco, president and founder of Pyraponic Industries. My master's thesis concerned the cannabinoid profile. The knowledge gained through this research and experimentation can now be applied to the growing of any herbaceous plant from mint and basil to roses and tomatoes. In pursuit of this master's thesis, I first had to generate the world's most extensive, nonacademic library on the subject. Second, I assembled the most extensive, scientific bibliography ever created. Then I went into the laboratory at a major university while under federal license, and designed the most sophisticated laboratory grade growing chamber in the world called the PHOTOTRON and the methodology "Growing Plants Pyraponimetrically". If you were to research indoor plant growing techniques, as I did, a similarity soon becomes apparent. Every system before the Phototron has attempted to duplicate a tropical climate, such as Hawaii's, in a confined area. I suggest that when you finally achieve the re-creation of Hawaii, you can do no better than Hawaii's results. In fact you will grow the plant six (6) to nine (9) months with an average 15 cm internodal length (the distance between fruiting sites). That will produce a fruiting ratio at the tops of the plants equal to only ten percent (10%). Ninety percent (90%) of the plant material is unusable and the plants are killed off after harvest in preparation for planting the next crop. Number one, the only thing I am waiting nine (9) months for is a baby. Number two, I don't want a tree growing in my home. Number three, I am not going to pay the electric bill to artificially reproduce the sun. That is why I made my system so revolutionary. The Phototron measures only 92 cm tall by 46 cm wide. Its potential is deceptively masked by the simplicity of functions design and compact size. On average, the Phototron draws only 4 pounds per month in electricity. I guarantee that you will grow six (6) plants, 92 cm tall in forty-five (45) days, while maintaining a 2.5 cm internodal length. I guarantee that in your Phototron each of your six plants will produce over one thousand (1000) fruiting sites from top to bottom. Mine is the only system in the world which will allow you to reflower and refruit the same plants every forty-five (45) days. You will remove from the system everyday. Beginning on DAY 20 after seed germination an average of 170 grams to 227 grams of plant material, such as catnip, can be harvested every forty-five days. Please, do not allow the technical sounding nature of the Phototron to scare you away. I personally back and guarantee each unit sold. The instructions are clear and simple; the system comes to you complete. All you must do is select your seeds, plug in the system and water it routinely. Then, if you have any questions, you may call me directly. Ask your question. Get your answer. You can not fail with my Phototron. I do not allow any of my Phototrons to fall below showcase. I personally have guaranteed every Phototron ever sold and I have never had one returned, ever, and I'm not starting now. Call me at 0101619-451-2837 in the UK. If you do not learn more about plant production than you have ever learned before, I will pay you for the call. Can you afford not to call? Jeffery Julian DeMarco * * * * * The "Phototron" looks like a white-and-transparent Tardis, and the advert has a picture of one stood on a coffee table with (presumably) Mr DeMarco holding it. Now, it is just possible that Mr DeMarco has made some major breakthrough in biotechnology, but it sounds dodgy to me (though I'm willing to be proved wrong). Does anyone know any more about the Phototron? If it is so incredibly prolific in its output, why hasn't it been scaled up? Think of the contributions it could make in areas of food shortage. Moreover, elsewhere in the advert it says "As seen on the BBC's Tomorrows World". Can anyone confirm or deny this, and if the claim IS true, did it get the thumbs-up or the thumbs-down? It also strikes me as a bit of an overkill to assemble "the most extensive, scientific bibliography ever created" just for a master's thesis. One thousand fruiting sites PER PLANT? Just curious... +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ ! Peter Anderton Janet: ZANUSSI@UK.AC.LIV.CS.MVA ! ! (aka Zanussi or Internet: ZANUSSI%MVA.CS.LIV.AC.UK@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU ! ! The Motorway Pervert) UUCP: ...!mcvax!ukc!zanussi@uk.ac.liv.cs.mva ! +------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ These are my opinions, and mine only, since no-one ever agrees with me.