Path: utzoo!attcan!utgpu!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!mailrus!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!bloom-beacon!ora!daemon
From: eboneste@BBN.COM (Liz Bonesteel)
Newsgroups: soc.feminism
Subject: How feminism has failed me
Message-ID: <48390@bbn.COM>
Date: 17 Nov 89 17:12:26 GMT
Sender: ambar@ora.ora.com
Organization: Bolt Beranek and Newman Inc., Cambridge MA
Lines: 85
Approved: ambar@ora.com

Before I get into all of this, I would like to make it clear that I am
a feminist, I have always been a feminist, and I can say with a
certain amount of confidence that I always will be a feminist.  To me,
feminism means believing that a person's dreams and accomplishments
should not be restricted by their gender; that the (implicit or
explicit) "Girls/boys don't do that" is counterproductive garbage.
This goes far beyond any personal experience with oppression; it
strikes me as a basic human right.  Our limitations should be just
that:  *our* limitations, not the limitations other people have told
us we have.

I feel the need to say that because the crux of this posting is (as
the title implies) how feminism, as practiced today, has failed me.

Things have, indeed, changed in the last twenty years.  I sincerely
doubt it would have been easy for me, a young, unmarried female, to
find a job, no matter how good my qualifications.  My mother, who went
to law school when I was eight, was considered strange; now, a partner
at a large Boston lawfirm, she sees female lawyers every day.  It is
still not as easy for a woman to be successful in the business world
as it is for a man, but it is substantially easier than it was when my
mother first started working.  It is accepted, if not always welcomed,
that women are a permanent part of the workforce.  Women have been
accepted into what was once an exclusively male realm.

This is all well and good, but sometimes I think it undermines the
whole point.  By entering the workforce, we have indeed shown that
professional productivity is a human ability, not restricted or
partitioned by gender.  But what of the traditionally female realm?
What of putting compassion before success?  What of valuing - and
perhaps sacrificing for - a loving and supportive family?  What of
trying diplomacy before grandstanding?  These are things that have
always been considered "feminine", but in my (albeit limited)
experience has led me to believe otherwise.  My male friends often
feel these things too, but they are loath to discuss them because
they're not *supposed* to feel them.  We have told women that it is
okay to have a strong and full intellectual life, but we have yet to
tell men that it is okay to have a strong and full emotional life.  We
have failed to take that which is traditionally "feminine" and give it
true value.

So how does this affect me?  Obviously, as a professional woman, I
should be all set, right?  Wrong.  I find myself more and more falling
into the mindset of my male friends.  I confessed to a female
colleague that I would like to have children someday, and she gave me
a puzzled look and said "But you seem so preofessional!" The fact is,
if having a family will hurt my career, I don't really care.  I want a
family more than I want a career.  I'd rather not have to make a
choice; but if I do, it's already made.  And you know what?  I feel
*guilty* because of that.  Here I am, a modern woman, as pushy and
aggressive and ambitious as any guy who ever came down the pike, and
I'd give it up in a second if I thought I had to.  Thanks to modern
feminism, my pushy and agressive and ambitious side is accepted and
even lauded; but the side of me that wants to build a family is seen
as an abberation, a mystery.  When I admit the importance of that side
of me, I cause *confusion*.

Feminism, to me, means making decisions that are free from outside
expectations.  I find myself incapable of doing that.  I have been
well indoctrinated into the "I can do anything you can do" mindset,
and I believe it.  But when I start thinking about a family, and
decisions I most probably will have to face, a voice starts whispering
"Traitor!".  When I realize the things I want the most have nothing to
do with professional ambitions, I feel like I'm letting the side down.
Maybe that's just me.  But I do think we are in error if we believe
teaching women they can do anything men can do is the whole solution.
By neglecting that which has always been traditionally feminine, we
are shooting ourselves in the foot.  We are, in effect, saying,
"You're right, all that stuff is worthless, but we can be YOU, so
we're not worthless anymore." Instead of freeing ourselves, we are
simply choosing a different set of shackles.  Freedom means modifying
the focus of an entire society, and we've barely begun.

Family is not a priority for everyone, nor would I suggest it should
be.  But neither is career a priority for everyone - not even for all
men.  Personally, I'm waiting for the day when either decision - or no
decision at all - is considered both viable and admirable.

The eternal optimist,

Liz
---
"Nobody ever lay on his deathbed regretting
 how little time he spent with his job."
- paraphrased from ex-Sen. Paul Tsongas