Xref: utzoo soc.couples:2595 alt.romance:1292 Path: utzoo!utgpu!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!mailrus!umich!yale!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!snorkelwacker!bloom-beacon!shelby!portia!torch From: torch@portia.Stanford.EDU (Michael Conte) Newsgroups: soc.couples,alt.romance Subject: Re: open relationships Keywords: maudlin_reminiscing Message-ID: <8323@portia.Stanford.EDU> Date: 17 Jan 90 07:23:41 GMT References: <6826@wpi.wpi.edu> Sender: Michael Conte Reply-To: torch@portia.Stanford.EDU (Michael Conte) Followup-To: soc.couples Distribution: usa Organization: Stanford University Lines: 54 Well, Curt, you've described my own life story pretty well...let's see if I can give you a different perspective... MY BIO: I met Debbie when I was a high school junior; she was a sophomore. We dated and ended up going steady until I was leaving for college. I was pretty full of myself, dreaming of all the great women I'd meet/talk to/ sleep with at college; I wanted to be free to see other people. "If our relationship is meant to be, nothing will change," I told her (sound familiar?) Freshman year came and went. I met nobody I liked as well as Debbie. I was ready to get back together, but there was a problem: now SHE was leaving for college. Somehow the idea of guys meeting/talking to sleeping with her wasn't so appealing...I ate my words, however, and gave her a lot of leeway (though I hadn't used any of mine.) In fact, I encouraged her to tell me about the guys she was meeting; I just wanted to make sure there was no scum there. She got pretty sick of my how-to-tell-if-a-college-guy-is-horny speech. The result: I'm now a senior, she a junior at a different college. I feel we are closer than ever. I tried not to be her boyfriend for a couple of years, but we still talked regularly and saw each other on vacations. MY OPINIONS: My friends have had many relationships come and go in the time Deb and I have been together. I only have two possible explanations for our success: inertia (not so romantic!) or the openness that we have given each other. (I prefer the latter!) We acknowledged that we would be interested in other people, and gave each other the room to explore the relationships with other people. At times, it was really tough: the last thing I'd want to hear would be what a great time she had with this guy. But although I was not her boyfriend, I tried to be her best friend: she told me things she couldn't talk to anyone else about. I know her better than any other person in the world, possibly better than she knows herself. She would come to me with her problems, and if I couldn't help her, at least I'd give her a (figurative) shoulder to cry on. And it brought us closer together. You're going to be jealous. No, you're going to be jealous AS HELL. I used to tell myself that being jealous meant I loved her, that if I wasn't jealous then I didn't love her anymore. Nothing is more wrong. Jealously and love are totally seperate. Jealousy is not a barometer of love. All that jealousy measures is how _insecure_ you are. There were times that I felt great about her dating other guys, because I could tell from her tone of voice that she felt closer to me than to the guy. "If it is meant to be, nothing will change." I don't believe that. In the next four years, YOU'RE going to change a lot, as will she. But, will a little bit of work, you can stay at the "Event Horizon," far enough to give her the room she needs, but close enough to keep you from drifting apart. It's just about time for Deb and I to come back together... ---------- Michael Conte torch@portia.stanford.edu (You wouldn't BELIEVE how much I slashed this letter...)