Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!mailrus!iuvax!cica!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More of the Oneliner file Keywords: various, collection, chuckle, offensive, stereotypes Message-ID: <114503@looking.on.ca> Date: 16 Mar 90 08:25:07 GMT Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca Lines: 218 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner" file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part. Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on sex and other grounds. ========================================================================= From: Phil Ronzone Subject: What's the difference between Ada and AIDS? Q: what is the difference between Ada and AIDS? A: Someday we'll find a cure for AIDS ... ------------------------------------ From: watmath!gatech!pravda.gatech.edu!robinson (Stephen M. Robinson) Subject: Quayle for Transportation Secretary? >From Dennis Miller's "Weekend Update" on Saturday Night Live 2/25 (paraphrase): "V.P. Dan Quayle thinks that Roe vs. Wade is an argument over alternative ways to cross the Potomac River." ------------------------------------ Subject: trains and fathers [Heard on the radio station WPLJ] Q. Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts? A. They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them. Tony Hansen att!pegasus!hansen, attmail!tony ------------------------------------ From: watmath!rutgers!njitx.njit.edu!ska9451 Subject: Good old God ! Organization: New Jersey Institute of Technology God sends down the roaring winds, To lift the girls' skirts high, But God is just and sends down dust, To blind the bad man's eye ! -Santosh ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!tektronix!packrat.WV.TEK.COM!paulh (Paul Hoefling) Subject: Quote for the day >From Ayatollah Khomeini: "Salman Rushdie: Better Dead than Read" ------------------------------------ From: Barry Fausnaugh Organization: University of Delaware What did the male centipede say to the female centipede? For the hundreth time, spread your legs! ------------------------------------ Subject: Yuppies defined According to comedian Michael Pritchard, "YUPPIES" stands for: Yes Under Peer Pressure I'll Eat Sushi Andreas Meyer N2FYE AT&T National Systems Support Center ------------------------------------ From: watmath!ttidca.TTI.COM!paulb (Paul Blumstein) Subject: Shorties She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body? He: Your sense of humor. ---- Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma? A: A documentary. ---- Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: Jock itch. ---- Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A: A dog that rips your leg off then runs for help. ---- Q: What is the high point of a bulimic's party? A: When the cake jumps out of the girl. ------------------------------------ From: Neil Youngman Subject: hypotheses and theories >>From: fpst@hubcap.clemson.edu (Steve Stevenson-Moderator) > >From Marilyn vos Savant's column in Sunday's Parade mag: (Paraphrased) > >Q: What is the difference between hypothetical and theoretical > >A: Think of hypotheses as a deck of cards. A theory is a house made >of hypotheses. > ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uts.amdahl.com!krs (Mister Doctor [Kris Stephens]) Subject: The times are a-changin' I maintain a fortune-cookies file on one of our systems. Larry Hardiman, one of my "customers", suggested I add these two (the first is fairly well-known, but the second was new to me): A camel is a horse designed by committee. A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec. ...Kris ------------------------------------ From: David Lee Subject: Steroids, Ben Johnson I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!rosevax.Rosemount.COM!paulw (Paul Wikstrom) What is the most heavily armored vehicle in the world? An Iranian Bookmobile! ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!tc.fluke.COM!moriarty (Jeff Meyer) Subject: Truth in Acronyms Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA Heard in comedian Chris Squire's routine last night: YUPPIES: Yes, Under Peer Pressure I'll Eat Shit ------------------------------------ From: Andy Andrews Subject: Barry Manilow (and other assorted yawns) {from the Aspen Comedy Festival, broadcast on Showtime, from the mouth of a comedian whose name I cannot remember:} Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to? ------------------------------------ Subject: Shaken Centipede From: Karl Swartz {not too sure about the subject but it's the best I could come up with} (My brother told me this one; I'm afraid to ask where he gets his material from.) Q: What is three feet tall and has two thousand arms and legs? A: An Armenian hotel. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!cme.nbs.gov!clark (Steve Clark) Subject: heard this one from a friend Did you hear about the new parents' activist group? It's called DAM. Which stands for Mothers Against Dyslexia. Steve Clark National Institute for Standards and Technology (formerly NBS) ------------------------------------ From: BOUTELL Subject: Uncertainty Principle Mountaintop Guru: "Life is like... life. ... But not exactly." ------------------------------------ -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.