Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!samsung!uunet!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More of the Oneliner file Keywords: various, collection, chuckle, offensive, stereotypes Message-ID: <115197@looking.on.ca> Date: 17 Mar 90 08:25:06 GMT Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca Lines: 206 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner" file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part. Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on sex and other grounds. ========================================================================= From: Ed Ahrenhoerster Subject: tattoo A man wanted to get a tattoo of a one hundred dollar bill put on his dick. The tattoo artist told him this would be incredibly painful, and asked why on earth would he want this tattoo? To which the man responded: "You wouldn't believe how fast my wife can blow $100". ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: meek The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: count If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: irregular verbs I construct algorithms | you program | he/she uses FORTRAN I consult | you freelance | he/she moonlights I refine | you debug | he/she patches | they kludge I assemble | you compile | he/she/it interprets I market | you sell | he/she peddles I interact | you timeshare | he/she hogs I extrapolate | you conjecture | he/she guesses ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: Append Mode And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: Emergency ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: missing mass Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: change The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: tachyon Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side. ------------------------------------ From: ZAP@calstate.bitnet (A. Michelson) Subject: execute Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. ------------------------------------ From: smiles@eronmc.ed.ray.com Subject: Billy Martin's new job I heard this on a Boston radio station while driving home recently: Did you hear that Billy Martin's got a new job? He's managing the angels. {ed Topical to his death, of course.} ------------------------------------ From: leafusa!pynchon!kmc@uunet.uu.net (Keith Corbett) Subject: JOKE: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP? Q: what do you get when you cross PMS with ESP? A: a bitch who thinks she knows everything. ------------------------------------ From: Graham Wilson Subject: You do not want to hear this... Told to me by my father (I don't know where he got it from): What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!" ------------------------------------ From: Chris Best What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street. (Told to me by my mom.) ------------------------------------ Subject: Another one liner for your collection From: richard@gryphon.com (Richard Sexton) The difference between philosophy: if you have an argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs. ------------------------------------ From: "Michael J. Gronsky, Dept. of Management" Subject: T-shirt saying I saw I saw this on a T-shirt on my recent trip to Cancun, Mexico: HE'S DEAD JIM QUICK! YOU GRAB HIS TRICORDER! I'LL GRAB HIS WALLET! ------------------------------------ From: 8940614@jhevax.mcmaster.ca "My wife just got pregnant ... She took seriously what was poked at her in fun!" ------------------------------------ From: David Ash Subject: another income tax one-liner Those who think it's tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have obviously never cheated on their income tax. ------------------------------------ From: sikora@uxh.cso.uiuc.edu (Riyaz Sikora) Overheard in a Hollywood bar, Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million". Actress 2: "Did you get the money?". ------------------------------------ From: "Jonathan R. Partington" Subject: Old immigration joke Little old lady at US immigration. OFFICIAL: Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by violence or subversion? {Pause for thought} LITTLE OLD LADY: Violence, I think. (Trad.) ------------------------------------ From: greg@math.berkeley.edu (Greg) Subject: An old SNL commercial AAAAA The Only Automobile Association for Alcoholics ------------------------------------ From: watmath!research!ark Subject: New Hampshire Proverb When you heat with wood, you get warm twice -- the first time when you chop it, and then again when you stack it. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."