Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More of the Oneliner file Keywords: various, collection, chuckle, offensive, stereotypes Message-ID: <115547@looking.on.ca> Date: 18 Mar 90 08:25:08 GMT Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca Lines: 218 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner" file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part. Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on sex and other grounds. ========================================================================= From: watmath!rutgers!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!hin (Ian Novack) Subject: Message from the System Manager I saw this in hanging in our system manager's office: /EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can. ------------------------------------ From: Matt Landau Subject: Offensive to Nuns [Best told vocally, but not bad in writing either...] What's black and white and black and tan and black and light brown and black and brown and black and dark brown and black and black? A nun on a spit. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!mcvax!nada.kth.se!d85-kai (Kai-Mikael J{{-Aro) Subject: "Democratic election", say American observers. Ewa Thibaud on Salvadoran election: "Ariani claims participation to have been 62%. This sound a bit high, even if some voted twice." ------------------------------------ From: watmath!mailrus!ames!claris!portal!cup.portal.com!Mec Subject: But officer ... "But officer, I was doing the speed limit! In hexadecimal!" Originally written by me, Michael Chastain ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!munnari!melba.oz.au!pcm (Paul C. McLeish) Subject: handyman hints Organization: Burdett, Buckeridge and Young Ltd. How many programmers does it take to wall-paper a room? Twelve, but you have to slice them thinly. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!rutgers!newton.physics.purdue.edu!murphy (William J. Murphy) Last night while discussing photography we came up with a new elementary particle.... PHOTOFLASH TACHYONS: The elementary particle responsible for synchronising a subject's blink with the flash of the camera. ------------------------------------ Subject: Pessimist's saying From: watmath!mailrus!sharkey!aucis!bnick (Bill Nickless) If at first you don't succeed, you've failed, failed again! -- Bill Nickless Andrews University Computer Science Department Unix Support Group ------------------------------------ From: Jeff Martens Subject: Aggie humor I saw this one on a bumper sticker a couple days ago: Honk if I'm an Aggie ------------------------------------ From: James Cowie original joke: "There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who can only see half of the picture." :) ------------------------------------ From: watmath!uunet!convex!dodson (Dave Dodson) Subject: Why did the chicken ... Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To prove to the armadillo that it could be done. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dave Dodson, Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas ------------------------------------ From: watmath!gatech!ULKYVM.BITNET!BLSWET01 Organization: University of Louisville Subject: BITNET mail follows Lovers celebrate Valentines day. What day do lonely men celebrate? Palm Sunday! ------------------------------------ From: Mogens Jallberg Subject: democracy vs. feudalism In democracy its your vote that counts In feudalism its your count that votes ------------------------------------ From: cs.utexas.edu!wsl.dec.com!erik (Erik Fortune) Subject: possibly offensive to women (overheard in a coffee bar, man speaking) "Considering my last relationship, I'd rather have the extra rib." ------------------------------------ From: Steve Fullerton Subject: sexual I heard this on the radio on the way to work this morning, Portland, OR station Q105. Q: What are the 3 words you don't want to hear while making love? A: Honey, I'm home. -- Steve Fullerton Statware, Inc. ------------------------------------ From: Andrew Solovay Subject: Unitarians Did you hear about the unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan? They go around burning question-marks on people's lawns. ------------------------------------ From: Eric Percival Subject: Smelliest thing in the world Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world ? A: A Kipper's pussy ------------------------------------ From: watmath!vicom.com!steve (Steve Maurer) Subject: Crude (but funny) EE humor Q: What's the chief difference between Kotex and Tampax? A: One is surface-mount, the other is through-hole. ------------------------------------ From: uunet!sjs.ATE.SLB.COM!jones Subject: Potty patrol Paul Harvey reported June 13, 1989: Someone broke into the Wilmington, Delaware police department and stole all of the plumbing fixtures. The police say that they currently have nothing to go on. -- Clark Jones Schlumberger Technologies, Tempe, AZ ------------------------------------ From: watmath!eniac.seas.upenn.edu!sal (Cyberpunk in Training) Subject: Radical Riddle. Q: What speeds all the time, yet never makes it past 55? A: Abbie Hoffman (original - obviously!) -- Marcos Salganicoff U. of P Computer and Inf. Sci. ------------------------------------ From: Pavel Rozalski Subject: GNU joke With the recent political discussions raging regarding the GNU people and the policies of the Free Software Foundation, I was inspired. New tee-shirt design: Front: GNUers do it for free! Back: And they don't give a damn about look & feel. ------------------------------------ -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.