Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!clyde.concordia.ca!uunet!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More of the Oneliner file Keywords: various, collection, chuckle, offensive, stereotypes Message-ID: <115822@looking.on.ca> Date: 19 Mar 90 08:25:11 GMT Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca Lines: 219 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner" file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part. Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on sex and other grounds. ========================================================================= From: Jan Steinman Subject: Yugo Where Yupush (From a caller on NPR's "Car Talk" car problem radio talk show.) Why do they have a rear window defroster on the Yugo? So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it. -- Jan Steinman, Electronic Systems Laboratory, Beaverton, OR 97077 ------------------------------------ From: jeenglis%nunki.usc.edu@usc.edu (Joe English) Subject: Papal Indulgences Organization: Nerds of Action Just heard this shouted off of someone's balcony (isn't college life great?) "What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?" "I don't know, what?" "Popeye beat the shit out of him!" ------------------------------------ From: ingr!b11!mark@uunet.uu.net Subject: Stupid commercial Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at? ------------------------------------ From: larry@uts.amdahl.com (Larry Hardiman) Subject: IBM bashing Over heard from some IBM employees at a San Jose watering hole. IBM: You can buy better, but you can't pay more. ------------------------------------ From: uw-beaver!ssc-vax!voodoo!jdt@uunet.UUCP (Jim Tomlinson) Subject: Possibly offensive to Jehovah's Witnesses Heard from a friend at Microsoft: Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist? A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever. ------------------------------------ From: bill@inebriae.wlk.com (Bill Kennedy) Subject: 'nother Aggie story [ please correct the spelling, I don't have a dictionary here ] Do you know how the Aggie got gonorreah of the eyelid? He was looking for love in all the wrong places. ------------------------------------ From: pegasus!psrc@att.UUCP Subject: movie sequels Seems like they're working on a sequel to this summer's underwater saga, THE ABYSS. Rumor has it that they're going to call it SON OF ABYSS. ------------------------------------ From: Kevin Carothers Subject: A riddle Q: How do you tell if a yuppie woman has reached climax? A: She drops her briefcase ------------------------------------ From: hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist@uunet.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Washington D.C. John Kennedy described Washington as combining "Southern efficiency and Northern charm" ------------------------------------ From: Hildebaby Subject: A concert to remember... [Resubmitted w/explanation] I heard this from a friend of mine who I think made this up. Rumor has it that some smart show biz executive is setting up plans for a concert tour in 2010 called: "Bobby McFerrin: Together Again." [Bobby McFerrin is the musician who did "Don't Worry Be Happy," and all sounds in his songs are produced by the voice or by hitting one part of the body against another, often involving seemingly impossible, painful contortions.] -- Jeff Hildebrand jdh92@campus.swarthmore.edu ------------------------------------ Subject: God joke. Short. Not mine. From: chessene!root@devon.lns.pa.us (Mark Buda) If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion? A Guest Host. paraphrased from "The Jehovah Contract", by Victor Koman, unless I'm totally confused about his last name, which I don't think I am, but not being one hundred percent totally absolutely dead certain about it i feel obligated to add some element of uncertainty lest I propagate false information as truth. i'm probably right anyway. no idea what page, though. ------------------------------------ From: Lee Crocker <73407.2030@compuserve.com> Subject: Corollary to drummer jok What do you call a 16-year-old girl who hangs out with musicians? Tiffany. --Just an idle thought. ------------------------------------ From: christopher kushmerick Subject: Quale's fantasy Quale musing to himself: " Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy....." "Thats right, I passed the bar the FIRST time." ------------------------------------ From: Lisa Stapleton Subject: humor How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a process? Four. Three to hold it down and one to rip its head off. ------------------------------------ From: ames!apple!netcom!teraida!teradyne!zehntel!edw@watmath.UUCP (Ed Wright) Subject: A Little Unix Humor (Humour) alias cls "/bin/rm -fr *" alias clear "/bin/rm -fr *" Ed (I just Love Those Students) Wright ------------------------------------ From: brian@ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor) Subject: floppy disks Heard from a MacIntoy abuser: If those 5-1/4" diskettes are called "floppies" because they're so flexible, then clearly the right thing to call the 3-1/2" hard plastic case version is a "stiffie". - Brian ------------------------------------ From: krs@uts.amdahl.com (Mister Doctor [Kris Stephens]) Subject: She *knew* I was gonna post this! Q. What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP? A. A bitch who thinks she knows it all. ------------------------------------ From: iqp@expert.cc.purdue.edu (timm) A few jokes i remember from college days......... Why does Dolly Parton have small feet? because feet dont grow well in shadows! What did Kenny Rogers say when he saw Dolly Parton do a backstroke in the swimming pool? "Islands in the Stream........" Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon? InDiana..... What happened when "The best little whorehouse in Texas" caught fire? Some came out running while others ran out coming! ------------------------------------ From: Jean Marie Diaz From: hibbert@idig.pa.dec.com (Chris Hibbert) Subject: Congress Date: 11 Dec 89 10:16:34 PST Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI) recently adcvised constituents not to expect all their problems to be solved by the federal government. He warned voters, "Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom." ------------------------------------ -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need a reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.