Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!clyde.concordia.ca!uunet!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca (Brad Templeton) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: More of the Oneliner file Keywords: various, collection, chuckle, offensive, stereotypes Message-ID: <116372@looking.on.ca> Date: 20 Mar 90 08:25:14 GMT Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca Lines: 223 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Regularly I get short submissions that I think are good, but not quite worthy of an individual posting. I collect them all in the "oneliner" file. It's time to empty it -- it's 1000 lines long -- so here is a part. Beware, several of these may be offensive or contain stereotypes based on sex and other grounds. ========================================================================= From: watmath!berkeley.edu!mudie%xenon.Berkeley.EDU (David C Mudie) Subject: Social graces Why do debutantes hate group sex? They have to write so many "thank you" notes. [ From the movie CLEAN AND SOBER, and presumably copyright the makers. ] ------------------------------------ From: uunet!iscuva.ISCS.COM!jimk (Jim Kendall) Subject: Tooth decay Organization: ISC Systems Corporation, Spokane WA (one last chance) This happened as I was leaving work for a dental appt. yesterday. ME: I'm leaving now to the dentist to get prophylaxis. BOSS: (with strange look on face) I thought you had a vasectomy. ------------------------------------ From: Eric Percival Subject: Sick Joke - Offensive to Liverpudlians Q: How do you get 250 Liverpool soccer supporters into a Ford Escort ? A: Get a policeman to open the door ------------------------------------ Subject: Contraceptive techniques From: "Tim J Ihde" Do you know the best contraceptive for senior citizens? Nudity. - Phyllis Diller (on the Tonight Show) ------------------------------------ From: David Ash Subject: Dan Quayle George Bush is a better judge of character than we thought. After all, wasn't it he who called Dan Quayle the "Jose Canseco of American politics"? -Dave ------------------------------------ From: uunet!att.att.com!io!rassilon!stuart (Stuart Freedman {x3262}) Subject: Irish Archaeologist And one from our beloved Joke-of-the-Day moderator... Date: Fri, 7 Jul 89 03:53:00 edt From: Philip_YOUNG%dga.ceo.dg.com@RELAY.CS.NET Did you hear about the Irish archeologist who discovered a tampon but couldn't determine what period it came from ...? ------------------------------------ From: Ken Johnson Subject: Rupert Murdoch [Remark by Clive James on `Start the Week' this morning] Rupert Murdoch thinks an independent editor is one who says `Yes!' without being prompted. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!topaz.rutgers.edu!clong (Chris Long) Subject: Yet Another One Of Those ... Why don't we need George Bush's proposed space mission? Because Dan Quayle is already on Mars. -Chris ------------------------------------ From: Alan Silverstein From: orca!davidl Date: Aug 9 1983 Subject: riddle Newsgroups: net.jokes What is small and yellow and very dangerous? A canary with the super-user password! ------------------------------------ Subject: question words From: watmath!udel.edu!new The Wh-words of English: Who, What, When, Where, How, and sometimes Why. ------------------------------------ From: Dave Ash Subject: blackjack Why did the casino owner support an increase in the drinking age? Because then all the blackjack players would be over 21. -Dave ------------------------------------ From: Mitzi Eichenseer SCONS Seen on a coffee cup: Drink your coffee -- there are people in India sleeping. ------------------------------------ Subject: How bad is the crime problem? The crime problem is so bad in this city, the mayor's had to designate school-free drug zones. ------------------------------------ From: watmath!bosco.Berkeley.EDU!hughes (Eric Hughes) Subject: More scratchings Seen on a wall in Berkeley, CA: CONSPIRACY IS THE OPIATE OF THE ASSES. ------------------------------------ From: Howard Stateman From: jay@hpldola.HP.COM (Jay Geertsen) Subject: Re: Graffiti Organization: HP Elec. Design Div. -ColoSpgs I remember a Reader's Digest blurb about how someone had scrawled the following on a wall at a college somewhere: Is there intelligent life on Earth? According to the story, a week or so later someone else tacked on: Yes, but we're only stopping to refuel. - Jay Geertsen ------------------------------------ From: watmath!cattell.psych.upenn.edu!mmoore (Mike Moore) Subject: PBS is ... Petroleum Broadcasting System (Tom Lopez, WXPN's artist in residence, in the radio series "Ruby II") ------------------------------------ From: watmath!Think.COM!fad Subject: State Department A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?" The cop answered, "Ours, I hope." [Heard in the halls, original source unknown.] ------------------------------------ From: watmath!svax.cs.cornell.edu!jennings (Jim Jennings) Subject: Small (?) Radio Station Ad Heard on the radio: "Remember, it's not the size, it's the frequency: 101.5 WPDH" ------------------------------------ From: Kenneth Ingham Subject: Definition? is a book listing the definitions of habitual substances known as an addictionary? Kenneth Ingham, University of New Mexico CIRT, Albuquerque, NM 87131 ------------------------------------ From: Ross M Mather Subject: A stupid joke Q: Why do computers manage to do things so quickly ? A: They don't have to answer the phone. (Anonymous Secretary) ------------------------------------ -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.