Path: utzoo!attcan!uunet!jarthur!usc!cs.utexas.edu!yale!bunker!hcap!hnews!125!7!Tom.Keller
From: Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.org (Tom Keller)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: disABILITIES
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Date: 17 Jul 90 19:43:07 GMT
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Index Number: 9217

I don't know what to think.  On the one hand, I *KNOW* (on the
intellectual plane) that I *AM* disabled, in several ways.  But I
cannot seem to *ACCEPT* my disabilities on any plane, including the
intellectual.  Denial is not uncommon, so I suppose I am not
alone.

I suffer from several problems.  I am blind in one eye (legally and
uncorrectably), and have poor vision (though correctable) in the
other.  I have a partially ruptured disc in my low back (L5-Sacral)
which leaves my spine unstable and me in chronic pain (I live on
3200 mG of Ibuprofen/day (and the gallon+ of water necessary to
keep that stuff from killing my kidneys!)).  I am a diabetic
(though not brittle), and I suffer from diverticulitis.   I have
had carpal tunnel corrective surgery on my right wrist, and though
the carpal tunnel problems are mostly gone (*RELIEF*) I have been
suffering *SEVERE* pain in the muscles of my hand ever since the
surgery (in fact, I am seeing my surgeon tomorrow to look into
this).

All that having been said (whined?), I believe my single
GREATEST disABILITY is that I have virtually *NO* self-esteem.
This is probably due (at least in most part) to my being an
AMAC.  Needless to say, this last problem hampers and degrades
my life *FAR* more than the other problems do, even combined.

I see people who are blind, deaf, missing limbs, not having the
use of their limbs, suffering from brain damage, etc., etc.,
and I can only think "Now *THEY* have *REAL* disabilities.  I'm
just lazy and self-indulgent."  When I am being rational, I can
tell myself (intellectually) that my disabilities are real, but
I cannot seem to *BELIEVE* that.

The problem for me is that I think I have to learn to *ACCEPT*
my disabilities before I can TRULY begin to overcome them.  I
am constantly getting myself into trouble through my lack of
acceptance.  Just the other day, I was visting a friend, and
got involved in play with his children.  Before I realized what
I was doing, I had his 11 year old daughter on my shoulders.
My back is *KILLING* me by way of "punishment," and I have no
one to blame but myself.

Why am I whining and bitching to you people?  Probably because
it's "safe" for me to do so.  Even if you all dsiapprove and
trash me, at least I don't have to see the disgust and disdain
in your eyes.  It really *HURTS* when people look at me that
way.  I try to pretend that I don't care, but deep inside me, I
know that isn't true.   ~sigh~

Tom 'Bias-R-Us' Keller, INTEL Hater
 {80}

...gracias en el futuro!

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