Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!yale!bunker!hcap!hnews!105!14.0!Adrienne.Barhydt From: Adrienne.Barhydt@p0.f14.n105.z1.fidonet.org (Adrienne Barhydt) Newsgroups: misc.handicap Subject: Accepting Disabilities Message-ID: <12922@bunker.UUCP> Date: 18 Jul 90 20:59:04 GMT Sender: wtm@bunker.UUCP Reply-To: Adrienne.Barhydt@p0.f14.n105.z1.fidonet.org Distribution: misc Organization: FidoNet node 1:105/14.0 - Busker's Boneyard, Portland OR Lines: 100 Approved: wtm@bunker.UUCP Index Number: 9315 In a lot of ways my life seems to be on a similar course to yours. Perhaps we can help each other some. I have MS. I don't have the famous kind that everybody else seems to have with remissions and good days and bad days; I have the kind that just gets steadily worse. So everytime it seems like I am getting some where with accepting my disabilities, or at least adjusting to them, I find my disabilities have gotten worse. > I don't know what to think. On the one hand, I *KNOW* (on > the intellectual plane) that I *AM* disabled, in several ways. > But I cannot seem to *ACCEPT* my disabilities on any plane, > including the intellectual. Denial is not uncommon, so I > suppose I am not alone. I know I am disabled. The acceptance part is harder. Sometimes despite the clarity of the knowledge and a body that tells me again and again and again that I just can't do many things, it is still hard to believe it on some deeper level. But I am beginning to get somewhere with the believing part of it. Maybe acceptance is next. I started going for some counselling recently. That is helping. I know in a lot of situations it helps me to get feedback from others. Having (perceiving) an accurate self-image can be difficult. My focus tends to be on what I am not doing and what I can not do. I am learning to give myself credit for what I am doing and the great amount of effort it takes. A large part of this is beginning to recognize just how much effort simple things really take. My counsellor said I use more energy just getting started in the morning than most people use in an entire work day. I had to let that kind of soak in for a while, but you know what? She's right. I know that from experience, my own experience. > All that having been said (whined?), I believe my single > GREATEST disABILITY is that I have virtually *NO* self-esteem. My self-esteem is pretty much intact. But I can see how having a problem with self-esteem could make acceptance of your disabilities that much harder. I've learned from experience that when I start feeling worthless I need to look a little deeper for what's really going on. Usually it's a clue that I am depressed about something. Especially lately, being sad and grieving for loses is not unusual for me, but I am rarely depressed. >> The problem for me is that I think I have to learn to >> *ACCEPT* my disabilities before I can TRULY begin to >> overcome them. I am constantly getting myself into trouble >> through my lack of acceptance. Just the other day, I was >> visting a friend, and got involved in play with his >> children. Before I realized what I was doing, I had his 11 >> year old daughter on my shoulders. My back is *KILLING* me >> by way of "punishment," and I have no one to blame but >> myself. That is a very difficult adjustment. It really stinks to have to think about it before everything you do to figure out what the impact is going to be. I get extremely fatigued and uncoordinated from just a tiny bit of walking. I use a 3-wheel electric scooter outside the house, but it's more convenient to be on my feet inside. But I need to think about every step I take before I take it cause I can wipe myself out for the day before I'm even dressed in the morning if I'm not careful. Yes, I think lack of acceptance is part of it, but for me there is more. I simply resent having to do this. It is my reality and it is a drag, to put it mildly. (Is my anger showing?) Will it ever become natural? I can't see how. > Why am I whining and bitching to you people? Probably > because it's "safe" for me to do so. I am really hoping that this is a safe place to be honest. I must say though, that I don't see what you are saying as whining and bitching. > My back is *KILLING* me by way of "punishment," and I have no > one to blame but myself. Punishment, why punishment? You've done nothing bad. You made a mistake. I make the same sort of mistake all the time. I hope I am learning to stop and think and make a decision that won't result in me hurting myself. Same thing for blame. Why blame yourself for anything? I am angry with my situation. It stinks, to put it mildly. But one thing I know for sure, it ain't my fault. -- Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!105!14.0!Adrienne.Barhydt Internet: Adrienne.Barhydt@p0.f14.n105.z1.fidonet.org