Path: utzoo!attcan!uunet!jarthur!usc!snorkelwacker!mintaka!yale!bunker!hcap!hnews!125!7!Tom.Keller
From: Tom.Keller@f7.n125.z1.fidonet.org (Tom Keller)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: Pride & Punishment
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Date: 23 Jul 90 20:42:23 GMT
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In a message on 14 Jul 90, Adrienne Barhydt (1:105/14.0) writes:
 
>> My back is *KILLING* me by way of "punishment," and I have no
>> one to blame but myself.
 
> Punishment, why punishment?  You've done nothing bad.  You made
> a mistake.  I make the same sort of mistake all the time.  I hope I
 
Adrienne,
 
    Why punishment?   Because the first few times I make this
"mistake," I can write it off as a mistake.  I have had a bad
back for 8 years now.  This is nothing new.  This is me being
"macho," and not acknowledging to myself, or to the world, 
that my body isn't healthy or normal.
 
    When I was younger, I worked occasionally as a "roadie" for
rock groups (It's A Beautiful Day, Sopwith Camel, Big Brother and
the Holding Company, New Riders of the Purple Sage, among others).
They liked to hire me because I was strong, fast, and careful of the
equipment.  I was able to lift and move 500 lbs by myself, safely.
Now, 10 lb bag of flour can ruin my week, if I pick it up wrong.
 
    I developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand, and
ended up having corrective surgery for it 4 months ago.  Now, my 
hand hurts almost as much (albeit differently) on a pretty much
constant basis, I have lost 70% of the grip strength I once had,
and I am not SUPPOSED to use hand tools, do serious cutting (I am
cook of some skill), or otherwise "stress" my hand.
 
    I suffer from severe obstructive sleep apnea.  I must connect
myself to an air pump (Nasal CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway
Pressurization)) every night, or I might die in my sleep.  This means
that I am tethered to my bed at home.  I cannot go out camping 
with my daughter and her Girl Scout Troop.  I cannot (easily)
spend a night away from home.  I live in *TERROR* of a power 
failure in the mmiddle of the night.
 
    The above is a partial list of the problems I am suffering...I
also have fairly severe diverticulitis, arthritis (not crippling, yet)
I am blind in one eye, poor but correctable vision in the other, 
ulcers, diabetes, and am working desparately to overcome the 
psychological damage of being an AMAC.  
 
    I understand COMPLETELY what you say about resentment.  I
want to be healthy again!  I want to be free to do what *I*
want to do, without having to suffer for it, or avoid it because
I know I will suffer for it.
 
    (whine, bitch, moan, complain)
 
    Aw, hell.  I'm pissed off about my minor disabilities, while
talking to an audience which includes people with SERIOUS problems.
Despite the resentment and the frustration I feel, I also feel
self-serving and petty.   I mean, I should consider myself lucky
not to be worse off than I am.  Or so society keeps telling me.
 
               ************   A   R   G   H   **********
 

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