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From: Gene.Zeak@p0.f219.n137.z1.fidonet.org (Gene Zeak)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: pride & Punishment
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Date: 25 Jul 90 16:29:03 GMT
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Index Number: 9510

>    The above is a partial list of the problems I am suffering...I 
>also have fairly severe diverticulitis, arthritis (not crippling, yet) 
>I am blind in one eye, poor but correctable vision in the other, 
>ulcers, diabetes, and am working desparately to overcome the 
>psychological damage of being an AMAC.  
> 
>    I understand COMPLETELY what you say about resentment.  I 
>want to be healthy again!  I want to be free to do what *I* 
>want to do, without having to suffer for it, or avoid it because 
>I know I will suffer for it. 
> 
>    (whine, bitch, moan, complain) 
> 
>    Aw, hell.  I'm pissed off about my minor disabilities, while 
>talking to an audience which includes people with SERIOUS problems. 
>Despite the resentment and the frustration I feel, I also feel 
>self-serving and petty.   I mean, I should consider myself lucky 
>not to be worse off than I am.  Or so society keeps telling me. 
> 
>               ************   A   R   G   H   ********** 

Hi Tom...

Let me tell you that while it's true some of us here have more 
difficult challanges to deal with than you do, it's entirely 
*human* for anyone to think that theirs is the very worst.  The 
reason is pretty easy to understand...you nor I can walk in 
anyone elses shoes, so we can never really know what it's like 
for them.

The problem you describe is pretty much the same one I deal 
with...you want to do what *you* want to do *when* you want to do 
it.  Soon after I awoke in the hospital, I was talking to a 
long-time MSer on the phone.  I'll probably never forget what he 
said..."Gene, you can still do all the things you ever did...the 
only difference is that you'll have to figure out new ways to do 
some of them and some of them will take longer to do."  Since 
then, I've found his words to generally be true.  Some of the 
things I wanted to do that required a different approach or took 
longer to accomplish were things that I just decided weren't 
worth the effort.  Some were.

I think what I'm trying to say goes something like this, "I have 
a finite number of resoures and a finite amount of energy, it's 
important that I intelligently *choose* what I spend them on."

As far as how I feel about me, I understand that my *feelings* 
are fairly primitive stuff.  What that means to me is that I 
can't help feeling most of what I feel, but it won't do me any 
good to sit around and concentrate on it.  Being primitive, my 
feeling are also fluid...they will change as time goes on, then 
I'll feel different...maybe better...maybe worse...but, 
different.  So, the message there is, "Just hang on and wait for 
the change."

Right now, it seems that your main problem is that, somehow, your 
optical nerve has gotten tangled up with your anal nerve...that 
gives one a crappy outlook on life...grin!  Now, THAT'S 
something I know about!

Later, Gene...

-- Via Opus Msg Kit v1.11

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