Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!usc!orion.oac.uci.edu!ucivax!gateway From: regard@hpsdde.hp.COM (Adrienne Regard) Newsgroups: soc.feminism Subject: Re: Name Change Upon Marriage? Keywords: marriage names Message-ID: <1990Aug23.171809.17523@sdd.hp.com> Date: 23 Aug 90 17:47:39 GMT References: <1157@tahoma.UUCP> <1990Aug16.191948.3908@Neon.Stanford.EDU> <12827@june.cs.washington.edu> Reply-To: Adrienne Regard Organization: Hewlett-Packard, San Diego Division Lines: 65 Approved: tittle@ics.uci.edu Nntp-Posting-Host: alexandre-dumas.ics.uci.edu I've been in and out of the name change business for some time, so I'll share my experiences with you. I had a perfectly horrid name when I was a kid. Compounded by the fact that all my sisters had lovely lilting Welsh names. Compounded by the teasing I endured for years by rhymes made out of my name. At 16, we moved from the small town I was raised in, and I incorporated my "confirmation name" (taken at 13, for the purpose of making a change later on) into my drivers license name - first name, confirmation name, last name. Then I signed it first initial, confirmation name, last name. That became my legal identity in the new town. A few years later, I got married. I was an actor at the time, and had been dissatisfied with my 'own' last name, and had been considering changing it anyhow, so I used the opportunity of the marriage to take my husband's last name (much nicer than my own, for the purposes of memory recall). It's terrifically *easy* to get your name changed on all important documents just by saying "I got married". Nobody asks for corroboration. You could get married to a Morris, and change your name to Smith on a whim, just by telling folks "I got married". At least, that's what I found. In fact, there were places who changed my name *for* me, even against my wishes, upon marriage. I wanted all my school records to be in my original name just for the sake of easy access, and yet the school went ahead and altered my records to the 'new' name. Took me a fight to get them changed back. Then I had a child, and then I got a divorce. The child's name was easy, since we were all Regards anyhow, so was she. When I divorced, I was still acting, and didn't want to change my name back to the non-memorable one, so I kept Regard, as did my daughter. Later, when I joined forces with Jon Purdy, and he adopted my daughter, the social services worker wanted my daughter to change her name from Regard to Purdy "as a symbol of building the bridge between her and her new father, rather than her old father". I had to point out to her (numerous times) that Regard was my DAUGHTER's name, not her father's property. It was also MY name, not her father's property. If my daughter wanted to keep it, the decision was entirely up to her. She kept it, to the chagrin of the social worker. I don't think the 'bridge' between my daughter and Jon was at all damaged in the process. Later, when Jon and I had a second daughter, she was named "Purdy", after him. In part to 'balance' out the family, in part because Jon was not comfortable passing Regard on to his offspring, since he does still associate the name with my ex. Frankly, I think that's silly, for the reasoning above, but I also respect my lover's wishes, and he was due to pick the name since the Purdy's were outnumbered. The scheme I like best has zip to do with my own experience, since mine evolved over time with a whole bunch of zigs and zags along the way, but I really *love* the idea of Joe Blow and Mary Smith becoming Joe and Mary Hayride, and all their children would be Suzy, Bobby and Kim Hayride, too. The last name would be a name chosen by the couple as their own commitment to family-hood -- the very start of their own new union. I can think of about 15 zillion good reasons *not* to change one's name upon marriage (I can also think of about 18 zillion reasons why *not* to get married) and about 8 good reasons *to* change one's name. Depends a little on which situation one finds oneself in. Adrienne Regard