Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!mailrus!wuarchive!usc!sdd.hp.com!mips!dimacs.rutgers.edu!aramis.rutgers.edu!porthos.rutgers.edu!christian From: roderic@vicom.com Newsgroups: soc.religion.christian Subject: Re: Anger & Dating for the first time: Message-ID: Date: 25 Aug 90 07:15:25 GMT Sender: hedrick@porthos.rutgers.edu Organization: Vicom Systems Inc., San Jose, CA Lines: 80 Approved: christian@aramis.rutgers.edu Randall writes: > Basically, I am wrestling with thoughts that I have spent all those 18-21 > years for nothing; thoughts that all that's left out there are psychological > misfits; thoughts of anger with legalistic authority that closets people away > from developing normal social relationships, under the guise of "holiness > and purity". . . . > > Can anyone help me overcome my feelings of anger towards do-gooder Christians > who are only too eager to spew advice at a moments notice and closet people > for 15-20 years with bad teaching? . . . > > Anyone care to make some comments or offer non-Jobian advice? Care to help > me overcome my anger which could become resentment and bitterness? Please > don't give me that crap about "godliness with contentment", please be real! I think one of the most helpful things I've been taught is that thoughts do not matter, beliefs do. If it is your honest considered opinion that single women over 35 are not (so far as you know) uniformly "psychological misfits", then it doesn't matter if you sometimes have spontaneous thoughts arise in your head that you know aren't true. They may be very unpleasant, even painful, but they do not fundamentally matter. Because if you do not really believe in them, you won't act on them, and it is our actions that finally really matter. If you're worried that these thoughts may lead to unrealistic beliefs (which is something that does matter), then spend some more time inquiring into the truth as dispassionately as you can. Explore what you know and don't know long enough to feel some confidence, and then it doesn't matter so much what thoughts come up, even if they are painful and unpleasant. I feel something similar with regards to anger. So long as anger doesn't lead to behavior we later regret, it doesn't fundamentally matter. Again what really matters are our actions. Truthfully, I don't think there's much we can do about unpleasant feelings that arise spontaneously, at least in the short term; noone I know is able to feel pleasant and loving through an act of will. Indeed, I don't think such a condition is desirable. But people are generally unclear about their intentions, so feelings easily push them into performing actions they regret when the bad feelings pass. Still I think the principal is the same; to inquire dispassionately, honestly, and sincerely into our own desires and intentions; not our trivial whims or imaginations, but into what we fundamentally honestly want. If we can become clear about that, and remember it, remembering it is what we want and not something externally imposed upon us, then we will not act shamefully when emotions threaten to overturn us. Since I have been taught these principals (within the last year), I've developed a healthy disinterest in my thoughts and feelings. Hence I'm freer from them, and more at peace. And my attention, concern, and energy has been placed more upon the truth, which is what I believe to be important. So if you agree with me that that actions are more important than thoughts and feelings, then perhaps you will find some of this useful. But I offer no guarantees. I don't want to get blamed if something goes wrong :-). And I don't think I've said what needs to be said about becoming free of long-term bitterness. Still, you never know; it may turn out not to be a problem after all. Noone knows the future. I hope things work out well for you. --Roderic T P.S. Two other points. It might help to recall that neither you nor noone else knows for certain what would have happened if you had acted other than you did. It is, for example, possible that you might have dated, yet never married, or that you might have married, but never been satisfied in the way you suppose. At any rate, imagining we know more than we do can sometimes be very painful. And it might help to consider, if you can do so without condemning yourself, that you also bear some of the responsibility for the decisions and actions you have freely made.