Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!rutgers!mcnc!decwrl!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The "true news" digest Nov/90 (7 of 8) Keywords: various, true Message-ID: Date: 10 Nov 90 08:25:05 GMT Lines: 222 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories, cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they are collected here. This is posted in several parts ------------------------------------ Subject: Chinese Advertisement From: tomc@citrus.citr.uq.oz.au According to a (reliable) source just back from the People's Republic of China: CAAC, the PRC's flag carrier is currently running TV ads within the PRC indicating that they are the official airline for this year's Asian Games. These ads use the ABBA hit "Take a Chance on Me". Hard to accuse them of false advertising! ------------------------------------ From: alcmist@apple.com (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Microsoft ad This Microsoft ad says "Some people don't see the advantages of combining Microsoft applications. But then some people didn't see what would come of mixing nitro and glycerin" ------------------------------------ From: valentin@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Shawn V. Hernan) Subject: Grammatical, Arcane Recently while playing one of the ubiquitous video games I so love, I thought about all the intricate and remarkable work that went into the production of that game. There was, of course, all the technical marvels, as well as art and music. I thought about all the people who helped make this, and all the little decisions that had to be made. I was temporarily impressed. My character then died of some mortal video wounds, and the game displayed the following epitaph: "Your Dead" They should have hired an English teacher. ------------------------------------ From: arriba@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Laura) Subject: Store signs Signs outside a local garden shop: "COMPOST HAPPENS" "Just say NO to bugs" ------------------------------------ From: cambler@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Christopher) Subject: Beware of Irate Customers This was sent to me by a humour mailing group. It was a followup to an article discussing the following rebuttal: > Your criticism of our product suggests an unsound technical background. Er, I think a friend who used to work at related a story about a customer support line (for a different company). The support person said something on the order of "You're not our only customer, you know," to which his reply was, "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." ------------------------------------ From: ches@research.att.com (Bill Cheswick) Subject: Anoxia In a recent PBS show on the telescopes atop Mauna Kea they described the loss of brain function at such altitudes (>14,000ft). Apparently, a mechanic telephoned the base and reported: ``I've cut this bar three times, and it's still too short!'' ------------------------------------ From: deanp@sequent.com (Dean Phetteplace) Subject: BPOE funds genital restoration The Seattle Times ran an article on November 7, 1985, about the Wenatchee Elks convention and its various charitable programs, including the following paragraph: "Nationaly, the Elks are approaching $800,000 in fund-raising to support the cunt restoration work on the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor." I wasn't sure the Statue of Liberty had one, but at $800,000 it must be VERY large. ------------------------------------ From: root@texbell.sbc.com (Greg Hackney) Subject: Money washed ashore Seen posted by Andrew Klossner in misc.consumers: Here in the Portland Oregon area, when Exxon spilled their goo all over the Alaska coast, a local student spent his life savings, $5,000, to take out a full-page ad in the newspaper, urging people to boycott Exxon gas stations. He proudly showed the ad to a friend, who pointed out that Exxon has no gas stations in Oregon. ------------------------------------ From: frank@cis.ohio-state.edu (Frank Adelstein) Subject: best seller? Ad seen in the back of THE NATION for the History Book Club: THUNDER GODS THE KAMIZAZE PILOTS TELL THEIR STORY (either it's very short stories, or very poor pilots) ------------------------------------ From: jonth@ifi.uio.no (Jon Thingvold) Subject: local politics This is an old newspaper story in norway. There was a meeting in a small city in southern Norway, and the discussion was whether they sould allow beer in the local grocery stores or not. The current speaker said: "Remember, Jesus made wine out of water." His opponent replies: "We know that, but we certainly don't like it!" ------------------------------------ From: georgem@microsoft.UUCP (George MOORE) Subject: Cartoon strip highway signs? This is from page 8 of the October 8th issue of _Newsweek_: "About the reflector signs installed near the U.S. Immigration checkpoint on Interstate 5. This year alone, 10 illegal aliens have been killed by cars while running across the road. The road is called a Pedestrian Accident Area. The signs have cartoon strips that show an immigrant crossing the road and getting hit by a car. Then they show a funeral." ------------------------------------ From: John_Coughlin@carleton.ca Subject: Censorship This quote by a Nicaraguan official is taken from P.J. O'Rourke's "Holidays in Hell". "They [La Prensa] accused us of suppressing freedom of expression. This was a lie and we could not let them publish it." -- Nelba Blandon, Interior Ministry Director of Censorship, quoted in The New York Times, 1984 ------------------------------------ From: bio_zwbb@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Dr. William B. Busa) Subject: School Daze The following was self-attributed to my grad school roommate; however, its so perfect that I've always had my doubts.... While TAing an ecology field course, my roommate had to read and grade dozens of field reports on a small mammal census study. One student's report featured the systematic misspelling of "burrow" as "burro". Frustrated and fiesty, my roommate wrote in the margin: "A *burro* is a kind of ass. A *burrow* is a hole in the ground. You obviously don't know your ass from a hole in the ground!" ------------------------------------ From: ark@research.att.com Subject: seen on the wall in a New York subway station There are no integers n > 2 and x, y, z > 0, such that x^n + y^n = z^n I have found a truly wonderful proof of this. Unfortunately, my train is coming. ------------------------------------ From: wsmith@cayman.amd.com (Walter Smith) Subject: Indecent Exposure Kills! According to an account in the newspaper, a music teacher from Paris froze to death on Mont Blanc while meditating in the nude near a glacier at about 6,000 ft, police from Chamonix, France, said. While it's sad that Ghislaine Sanchez died, one's tempted to view this incident as an example of Darwinism at work. You see, a mountain patrol had previously brought her down to Chamonix for treatment of hypothermia after running across this 37 year old on Sept. 23 meditating on Mont Blanc, once again, in the nude. ------------------------------------ From: arul@Neon.Stanford.EDU (Arul A. Menezes) Subject: Current Limits Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University I invented this one after I thought I heard a speaker say something in this vein at a lecture this afternoon. I should probably keep the speaker anonymous. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a lecture about a new system, the speaker was explaining the limits placed on this new high-performance distributed system by current technology:- ".....and the distance between nodes is limited to 200m since this represents about 1 microsecond delay at the current speed of light." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."