Path: utzoo!attcan!uunet!know!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!mips!decwrl!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The "true news" digest Nov/90 (3 of 8) Keywords: various, true Message-ID: Date: 11 Nov 90 08:25:06 GMT Lines: 244 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories, cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they are collected here. This is posted in several parts ------------------------------------ From: JAYARAMAN@uwav1.acs.washington.edu Subject: can u post this....? Please see if this is suitable for posting in RHF. On saturday, I received a letter from British Telecom saying that they had installed a new computer to improve their efficiency. On monday, I received a letter from British Telecom saying that they had installed a new computer to improve their efficiency. ------------------------------------ From: dgross@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Dave Gross) Subject: Christian Identity Movement catalog item 101 - THE BIBLE SAYS: RUSSIA WILL INVADE AMERICA AND BE DEFEATED by Sheldonn Emry. Our victory is certain in the last battle in spite of the fact that we are already disarmed and the anti-Christ's armies prepare for invasion of North America. $1.50 ea; 5/$5 ------------------------------------ From: CC007002@wvnvaxa.wvnet.edu (denise) Subject: computer jargon While flipping through the cable channels the other day, I paused to listen to the spiel about some software on a home shopping channel. Among other features, the announcer mentioned that the software was compatible with "ASC 2" files. ------------------------------------ From: hiebeler@turing.cs.rpi.edu (Dave Hiebeler) Subject: No comment Jack Brown (I think -- it came through a GEnie/ForthNet gateway, and I may have misinterpreted the header) related this story on comp.lang.forth: It was interesting that in [Chuck Moore's] article from the SIG Forth newsletter (issue 3) towards the end ( I don't have the article in front of me) he mentions one of his favorite pieces of code... a 3 line " TRACE " routine and how after he comes back to that code a year later he can't figure out what it is doing ( no comments). But after studying the 3 lines for about 3 hours it becomes perfectly clear what is going on and why no comments were required!! ------------------------------------ From: trb@ima.ima.isc.com (Andrew Tannenbaum) Subject: first the Nova, now the Miyata Organization: Interactive Systems, Cambridge, MA 02138-5302 The folks at Mazda learned no lesson from Chevrolet, who once named a car Nova - "no va" means "doesn't go" in Spanish. Mazda's current popular convertible is called the Miyata. This is quite close in pronunciation to the Spanish word "meada," which means "urine stain" - the verb form is "mear" - "to piss." ------------------------------------ Subject: Medical examinations From: HAMER@ruby.vcu.edu (ROBERT M. HAMER) The following was copied from a local newspaper. I wonder if the reporter wrote it with a straight face: "Richmond, VA, April 16. Riad A. Aboulhosn, a Richmond man, had his application to retake an optometry licensing examination denied for five years by the state Board of Optometry because of his 1988 conviction on charges of practicing without a license and for allegedly fondling a patient. In its order, the Board said: 'By his own testimony, Riad A. Aboulhosn admits that breast examinations are not part of a legitimate optometric examination and that he has never received training in performing a breast examination.'" ------------------------------------ From: joev@monash.edu.au (Joe Voros) Subject: Movie Spoiler???? This really happened. To set the scene: I was staying with my girlfriend's family over Easter. Naturally, there were a million films all dealing with the religious aspects of this occasion. The family was sitting glued to a typical ``story of Christ'' film, attentively watching as though it were a suspense story where you don't know what will happen. My girlfriend was irritated by this. I went out to the kitchen for something and, from there, I heard her say: ``He gets betrayed, and they nail Him up in the end, you know. Judas did it.'' They groaned and said: ``Oh, *thanks* a *lot*!'' ------------------------------------ From: gwh%ocf.Berkeley.EDU@lilac.berkeley.edu (George William Herbert) Subject: Bearly Funny Story (the following is crossposted from rec.guns, where it has strayed from the normal topic. You people might find it amusing, however... 8-) (FYI, in case you don't know the M-60 refered to herein is a US army tank) In article <1990Apr17.152604.6930@ism.isc.com> wbt@cbnews.att.com (William B. Thacker) writes: >In article <1990Apr11.222357.28077@ism.isc.com> tsuit@gmuvax.gmu.edu writes: >> Yes, I've heard about this. A friend of mine was in a similar >>situation while on maneuvers in Alaska. Apparently, an M1 Abrams tank >>fired a 105mm round at a charging kodiak. Unfortunately the round >>round struck the bear in the head, further enraging the beast, which >>proceeded to maul the entire tank crew. > >The incident to which you refer actually involved an M60-A3. Just so nobody asks, here's the full scoop on what happened... Unit involved was reg. army. A M-60A3 was out on a practice range, doing maneuvers, when the crew took a 'rest break' [more accurate term deleted for general distribution]. while they were zipping back up and heading back to the tank, a mid-sized Black Bear appeared off to one side. They ran back to the tank, the driver arriving last, and just in time to close his hatch before the bear chomped on him. Well, there are rules against doing destructive things to local wildlife, so they just sat there for a while waiting for it to go away. After a few minutes, they heard it beginning to chew on something outside. Deciding that this wasn't good, the commander instructed the driver to start the engine in an attempt to scare the bear off. Apparently, at this point the bear climbed over to the front deck and managed to activate the fire extinguisher. Nobody was able to figure out quite how, but it did. Now, some background on the M-60 fire extinguisher. In case of an internal fire, it's of primary importance that the vehicle not burn totally and be lost. Since a fire inside can be pretty bad, the fire extinguisher is pretty energetic. So powerful, in fact, that the crew cannot survive for any length of time inside after it's been activated. And, just in case the crew has been disabled, the fire extinguisher can be fired by external controls, which this bear apparently pulled... The crew exited promptly, and the bear got a nosefull of fire extinguisher dust and left, too. So, the the rumor that the tank had to use it's 105 is false and that is the story. :-) ------------------------------------ From: leigh@nrc.com (Leigh Guren) Subject: Definition of "spooning" This is a true story. As a teenager, many centuries ago, I attended an inner-city high school. At one point I worked on the school paper, which was "advised" by Mr. O'Conner, a young, good-humored English teacher. One day, while cleaning out a storage areas, Mr. O'Conner discovered a box of old school papers from the late 1930's and early 40's. The students started reading through them. One of our school "jocks" was stumped by a 1941 school gossip column, which reported that "A.J. and B.T. were seen spooning in the parking lot." "Hey, teach!" pipes up our jock. "What's spooning?" Mr. O'Conner replied, (without batting an eye), "Spooning is just a bit short of forking." Ah, yes. A few teachers like that, and you can almost enjoy school! ------------------------------------ From: daggit@src.honeywell.com (Bob Daggit) I recall the following humorous (and presumably true) story I read a number of years ago in the book "Fire on the Prairie" (author forgotten), a history of the country around Madison, Minnesota. Charlie and his wife operated a farm in the area and Charlie's wife, like most farmers' wives, kept a few chickens for eggs for cooking and to sell for a little spending money. At one point in time, the good wife was disturbed to find that some predator was taking some of the chickens. Awakened one night by the squawking of chickens, she roused her husband to see what was disturbing them. Dressed only in a night shirt, he loaded his double-barrelled shotgun and headed for the chicken house. He walked softly down the path toward the chicken house and, as he neared the door, dropped to all fours. Crawling forward on hands and knees, he poked his head and the shotgun around the door jamb and stopped to see if he could spot the culprit. What he didn't realize was that the family dog had followed him and when he stopped the dog didn't. The sudden application of a cold wet nose so startled him that he fired both barrels of the shotgun. He never did see the predator, but Charlie and his wife spent the rest of the night cleaning the thirteen chickens he had mowed down! ------------------------------------ From: tim@egg.gg.caltech.edu My girlfriend played host to two 19-year-old Japanese girls. We saw them off a month ago. This just arrived. Dear Rosie, How have you been? I am sure you are doing very well. I am sorry I should have written to you earlier. Thank you very much for your kindness and hospitality you showed me while I was staying at your home. My English is not good enough to express all my appreciation of what you did to me. I stayed with you for a month, and during that time you did a lot of things to treat me besides helping me with my English study. I am still intoxicated with such-and-such a wonderful thing we had together. Now I realize that my homestay must have been an exceptionally good one. I could really enjoy my stay in America, thanks to you. I will not be able to forget spending you, Tim and many your friends. Your friends were very kind for us. I had a very happy time. I want to go to America and I want to meet you again. I hope that I can meet again. By the way, are you on a diet still? I began to be on a diet in those days. I am so fat, I must be on a diet. Are you studying Japanese? Your Japanese was very good. Please come to Japan. I am waiting for you coming. I must study English more and more because I couldn't speak English very well. I wanted to talk more. I'm sorry that I couldn't talk enough. But you taught me slowly. I was glad that. Once more let me thank you most warmly for my marvellous stay there. Say hello to Tim. Yours sincerely, Kumiko -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.