Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!mips!decwrl!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The "true news" digest Nov/90 (2 of 8) Keywords: various, true Message-ID: Date: 12 Nov 90 08:25:04 GMT Lines: 204 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories, cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they are collected here. This is posted in several parts ------------------------------------ From: darrell@midgard.ucsc.edu (Darrell Long) Subject: Seen at the pharmacy (true) College Condoms: six lubricated condoms in your school colors. This is true; I saw it while at the pharmacy to pick up my wife prescription. ------------------------------------ From: jr@eng.sun.com (John Reed) Subject: real life gambling humor The most fun I ever had winning and gambling was at the High Sierra in Tahoe. Annette Funicello (sp?), one of the original mouseketeers, held the dice for about 20 minutes. I picked up about $2000 cause I was *only* betting $25 chips. If I had more nerve, who knows. After I cashed out, I went up to Annette and asked her to sign one of my $100 bills. Her response was "Not now honey, I'm gambling". Classic. Makes me smile every time I think of it. In case the IRS is listening, I lost it all back. :-) The next morning I went down to the casino floor about 10am, and there was Annette, with dark sun glasses, shooting craps. What a gambler! ------------------------------------ From: pas@unhd.UUCP (Paul A. Sand) Subject: Laugh while you can afford it From the Wall Street Journal, March 29, 1990: The cost of laughing rose 9.4% in 1990, due to increases in the cost of rubber chickens and other humor items. Calling the funny-fowl price increases "no laughing matter," humor consultant Malcolm Kushner says rubber chicken prices are up 33% in three years, while dancing chicken telegrams are up 18%. ------------------------------------ From: jsast@unix.cis.pitt.edu (Johann) Subject: True Story -- Politically Oriented This is a true story which occurred on 4/03/90 at the University of Pgh. ----- As a member of my University's school newspaper, I often get to go see various people and events that the average student doesn't. The other day, Atty. General Richard Thornburgh, a Pitt Alumnus, came here to give our students a speech about the Soviet Union. A small group of Lyndon LaRouche supporters had gathered outside the building he was to speak in and they were getting to be a pain in the neck. Many of them were annoying students, passing out flyers, etc. Well, I ignored them and walked into the auditorium. After a five minute wait, a rather well-dressed women walked up to the podium and began to speak... "Ladies, Gentlemen, and Students... I would like to thank you for coming here this afternoon. The man I am to introduce really needs no introduction. Mr. Richard Thornburgh was a graduate from the Pitt Law School, a two term Governor of the state of Pennsylvania, the current Attorney General of the United States, and the main reason why the United States has become a fascist state! He's turned us into a group of Nazis..." The women was promptly escorted out of the building and her bouncer was greeted with a great deal of applause. ------------------------------------ From: shectman%husc4@harvard.harvard.edu (Nicholas Shectman) Subject: SCA meets the US Army I heard this from a friend who has heard it from several people in the SCA. A roommate of mine has also heard it from several places and there are apparently several versions of it. This is an attempt to piece together something a little closer to what actually happened. There was once a fighter in the SCA who was also in the Army Reserves. During the summer the Army would introduce the reserves to various methods of man-to-man combat. They'd hand them a weapon, tell them how to hold it, and let them all have at each other for a little bit. Then they'd take the guy who was doing the best and put him up against a regular who knew what he was doing, to demonstrate that you really do need a lot of training if you want to get good at whatever kind of combat it was. So one time they hand out a new kind of weapon to a bunch of reservists, and show them how to hold it, and our hero takes a look at it and says, "Gee, that looks a lot like a pole-arm. I know how to use that." So he picks it up and starts trouncing on everyone near him. After a bit the sergeant notices him and sends him up against the pole-arm specialist. tappity tappity tappity THUNK. The sergeant wasn't expecting this and asks another guy who knows about these weapons what had happened. The other guy says, "I bet he's in the SCA." "SCA? What's that?" "It means you can't beat him." So the sergeant goes back and asks the guy if he's in the SCA. "Yes, sir, I am in the SCA, and in the SCA I hold the rank of Knight." "Well, let's see what happens if we send you up against _two_ regulars", says the sergeant gleefully. tappity tappity tappity THUNK THUNK. So the sergeant goes back to his friend and says, "He says he's a Knight. What's _that_ mean?" "It means _they_ can't beat him either." ------------------------------------ From: MAINT@uqam.UUCP (Peter Jones) Subject: Does NASA now believe the Earth is flat? According to a news bulletin on CBC radio this morning, a NASA spokesman claims that the new Hubble orbiting telescope will be so sensitive that it would be possible to see a "firefly in Australia from Washington DC". Huh? Has NASA considered the theory that the Earth may be round, in which case it would be difficult to see around or through it? ------------------------------------ From: joe@hanauma.stanford.edu (Joe Dellinger) Subject: Bathroom Wall Joke In the GeoCorner bathroom at Stanford, there is a toilet that is HARD to flush. So a maintenance worked put a sign above it "Push Down HARD On Handel" Scrawled underneath: "If I do, will it push Bach?" "No, stupid, it plays Water Music!" ------------------------------------ From: cwebster@rodan.acs.syr.edu (Chris Webster) Subject: Dorm Bulletin Board announcement Seen on a bulletin board in Watson Hall (Syracuse University): Introvert Club Meeting Wed 5pm* sink room *members need not attend ------------------------------------ From: johna%gold.gvg.tek.com@relay.cs.net The NRA (National Rifle Association) is running a TV ad in California which touts the benefits of being a NRA member. One of the benefits is mentioned twice: a "Free $10,000 accidental death/dismemberment insurance policy" ------------------------------------ From: FHD@tamcba.UUCP (H. Alan Montgomery) Subject: Topical, IRS, April 15, Plea for understanding The following was sent by me to the IRS this last weekend (April 6, 1990): Dear Sirs: I was all set to do my taxes this weekend. In fact, I had the urge to do it last weekend, but laid down until the urge went away. I did however lay out all my records on the table ready to work on. On Monday, April 2, a car crashed into the livingroom of my apartment. The records were somewhaat mixed up. I honestly do not know where all the 1099-b forms are, in order to fill in Scheddule D line 1. Sure wish I knew. Anyway, I have made an honest effort to fill in these forms. If you feel I have made an error, then tell me what the 10099's you have say. The reason I am asking you instead of the companies who sold me the stock, is because the Federal government closed down two of them for SEC violations (Marshall Davis and Blinder Robinson). I got out of the stock market because I was not making any money. I put all the money in checking. The bank, University National, went under. This is why I have no interest reported. All of the above would be very funny if it were someone else. I am quite certain that you will find something wrong with the forms, given the time I have been having lately. All I ask is that you get on with it. I want to put this behind me. Sincerely yours, H. Alan Montgomery Net: FHD@TAMCBA.BITNET -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. If you don't need a reply, submit to rhf@looking.on.ca instead.