Path: utzoo!censor!geac!torsqnt!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sdd.hp.com!decwrl!looking!watmath!maytag!watserv1!looking!funny-request From: funny-request@looking.on.ca Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The "true news" digest Nov/90 (1 of 8) Keywords: various, true Message-ID: Date: 13 Nov 90 08:25:04 GMT Lines: 210 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Here comes the "true news" digest. This is a collection of various submitted items of "found humour." True (or supposedly true) stories, cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing. These were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they are collected here. This is posted in several parts ---------------------------- From: dash@neon.stanford.edu (David Ash) Subject: computer classroom joke Reading the "out of the mouths of profs" column published by mathNews (from your alma mater and mine, Waterloo) and reprinted in your first network humor annual reminded me of the following true story from when I was TAing a course here at Stanford (your other nemesis): I was TAing a course on concurrency and naturally we'd covered the usual material on semaphores and the P and V operators. During an "ask the TA" problem session, we were working on a problem which I, if truth be told, hadn't bothered to solve completely before the session and which was turning out to be more difficult than I expected. The problem involved writing a few lines of code for a rapid transit system and managing the limited resources of space on trains, platforms, and so on, using semaphores. I was having difficulty answering a student's question about what to do next. Finally a woman in the class said: Well what we need to do is P in a subway station. ------------------------------------ From: pdb059@mipl3.jpl.nasa.gov (Paul Bartholomew) Subject: Experiment During his campaign for governor of New Jersey in 1940, Charles Edison, son of the inventor, introduced himself by explaining, "People will inevitably associate me with my father, but I would not have anyone believe that I am trading on the name Edison. I would rather have you know me merely as the result of one of my father's earlier experiments." Quoted in _Braude's Handbook of Stories for Toastmasters and Speakers_, by Jacob M. Braude. ------------------------------------ From: udo@sage.cc.purdue.edu Subject: Rent-A-Car I saw a sign near the Seattle-Tacoma Airport which read 10 Dollar Rent-A-Car $19.95 ------------------------------------ From: mikej@lilink.com (Michael R. Johnston) Subject: Computers are people too I overheard this conversation in our "tech support" department the other day: TECH #1: "This silly key keeps repeating." TECH #2: "Is your key depressed?" TECH #1: "I don't know how it feels." ------------------------------------ From: AS04@untvm1.UUCP (Claudia Lynch) Subject: Funny story We recently had a blockage in the lines going to our septic tank. My husband called the Roto-rooter people to get an estimate. When asked their prices, they man on the phone said $69.99. My husband hung up and said, "I don't know why, but I just have a feeling they're trying to screw us." ------------------------------------ From: eliot@peyote.cactus.org (Topher G. Eliot) Subject: I haven't lost my mind, it's around here somewhere. I received a job assignment in Germany on very short notice. I didn't know any German at all, but my wife is reasonably fluent, so I had her teach me a few fundamentals. The next morning, while cooking breakfast, I was practicing counting, mumbling the numbers to myself: "Ein, Zwei, Drei ..." I got stuck on nine. Right then, my wife walked into the kitchen. "Helen" I said, "what are nine and ten?" With a concerned look on her face, she said: "Nineteen. Are you OK?" ------------------------------------ From: tim@ggumby.cs.caltech.edu (Tim Kay) Subject: my 90-year-old grandfather This is a true story as related to me by my grandmother. My grandfather was at the cardiologist for a check up. (He is eighty years old as of February, and he has had a few heart attacks.) The doctor listened to his chest and said that his heart sounds good. He asked, "Can you do everything you want to do?" To everybodys' surprise, he replied, "No." When asked for details, he said, "I'm married." ------------------------------------ From: walid@stat.berkeley.edu (Walid S. Al-Sabah) Subject: sports funnies From the San Francisco Chronicle of Thursday March 8,1990 After getting the job as manager of the Kansas City Royals John Wathan walked into his home and asked his wife : "How would you like to be married to a major-league manager?" She said: "Why? Is Tommy Lasorda getting a divorce?" ------------------------------------ From: psrc@pegasus.att.com Subject: Hollywood's gone too far this time Cybil Shepard has just finished filming TEXASVILLE. This is -- are you ready? -- a sequel to THE LAST PICTURE SHOW. ------------------------------------ From: MAINT@uqam.UUCP (Peter Jones) Subject: Royal Bank Visa goes underground? or sleazy? A couple of days ago, I received the following letter from the Royal Bank Visa Card Center: Dear cardholder, Due to recent increases in the prime rate, we are increasing our Visa interest rate to 20.75% effective May 1, 1990. Despite this increase, we will continue to be among the lowest of all card issuers in Canada. Sincerely, Eastern Card Centre ------------------------------------ From: brett@hpsrbkc.hp.com (Brett K. Carver) Subject: Chevy quality This came from the Friday March 16 Press Democrat (Santa Rosa, CA). The last paragraph of an article about the new 4-door S-10 Blazer states: Consumer Reports magazine said 1983-88 model S-10 Blazers with two doors and V-6 engines ranged between average and much worse than average in reports of owner trouble. A Chevrolet spokesman responded that the plants producing Blazers are among the highest quality plants in the country. Well, he sure cleared that up... ------------------------------------ From: jbowe@diamond.bbn.com (John Bowe) Subject: drunk driving - a true story This is supposedly a true story about a friend of my father's, from near Trenton, NJ. Picture my dad's friend, Dick, one night walking beside his car which is running and in drive (automatic transmission), with his arm in the driver's window, steering. A cop stops him: Officer: What are you doing? Dick: I'm too drunk to drive home. Officer: Ah, get in the car... ------------------------------------ From: mantis@ucscb.ucsc.edu (Joel Metz) Subject: the posting about tabloid headlines reminded me of this... My parents come home from church one day to find a business card stuck in the door. upon removing it, and reading it they see it's from the sheriff. they are considerably puzzled, but not as much as they will be when they read the note on it: "Dogs knocked phone off hook and dialed 911. All secure." naturally, thay called the sheriff's department, and congratulated them on what a fine job they were doing... ------------------------------------ From: ghelmer@dsuvax.UUCP (Guy Helmer) Subject: Solution to the homeless problem Last night's late news on KSFY, interviewing a social-type worker: "It would be wonderful to see the homeless population eliminated." That would be one solution to the problem... ------------------------------------ From: drd@siia.mv.com (David Dick) Subject: turnabout When Ted Turner appeared on The Arsenio Hall show, his segment was broadcast in black and white. ------------------------------------ From: timh@wsccs.UUCP Subject: Mexican phone company (Overheard) "No Lulu, 'Taco Bell' is not a Mexican phone company..." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Please use looking.on.ca and not just looking or looking.uucp.