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From: funny-request@looking.on.ca
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The "true news" digest Nov/90 (4 of 8)
Keywords: various, true
Message-ID: <S1c8.45f1@looking.on.ca>
Date: 16 Nov 90 08:25:04 GMT
Lines: 252
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca

Here comes the "true news" digest.   This is a collection of various
submitted items of "found humour."  True (or supposedly true) stories,
cute sayings or quotes seen or overheard, that sort of thing.   These
were judged not quite appropriate for an individual posting, so they
are collected here.   This is posted in several parts

		------------------------------------
From: asah@csserv1.ic.sunysb.edu (Adam D Sah)
Subject: HP-UX and SUNY Stony Brook


In the past year, SUNY SB has purchased an entire network of HP-UX systems,
including many workstations. It is a general agreement around here that they
are pretty inadequate, and worthless. It seems therefore appropriate to say,

"HP-UX: pronounce it like it's spelled"   (that's <ha-pughhh - as if you were
                                           spitting up or something!~)

There is a sequel: The first time I attempted to submit this joke, I
received a system-wide bulletin from root saying that we would all have to
logout so that they could "perform hardware repair". It seems only appropriate!

		------------------------------------
From: BEGLEY@forest.ecil.iastate.edu

The wife of a newlywed couple had a habit that constantly annoyed her
husband.  She always said 'Just a sec' whenever he asked her to do
something.  The husband ignored it as best he could, but one day, while
hanging a painting, he needed some help.  So, he asked her to come and
help him.  She replied 'Just a sec...' The husband was finally fed up by
this behavior and yelled out in anger "NO! NO MORE 'SECS'! I'M SICK AND
TIRED OF 'SECS'!!!"

A moment later, when he realized how his outburst must have sounded to the 
neighbors, he yelled, in an equally loud voice "ALRIGHT, JUST ONE MORE TIME!" 
		------------------------------------
From: Wegeng.Henr@xerox.com (dw)
Organization: Xerox, Digital Systems Dept, Rochester, NY
Subject: Review and Outlook

There's a bar here in Rochester, NY named Richmond's that occasionally
publishes it's own mini-newspaper.  This is taken from the latest issue.

			Review and Outlook

Thoughts, Questions, Answers.

Let's get something straight.  No, you can't run a tab.  You can't cash a
check.  No ID, no drink.  You can't use the phone.  We don't have expresso.
No, that beer sign is not for sale.  You can't stay after 2:30 AM.  No, I
won't give you a ride or a loan.  You can't have one pretzel.  No, a double
shot is not less money.  No, we are not good friends.  No more napkins.
No, you can't park on the sidewalk.  No, you can't bring your dog in here.
No, we won't put on another game.  No, we won't change the music.  You
can't have a real glass.  No, I'm not in a bad mood, I'm just tired of your
stupid questions.
		------------------------------------
From: poole@emx.utexas.edu (Steve Poole)
Subject: Seasons Greetings

From a bill I got around Christmas.

Your account is now 120 days past due and will be sent to our
collection agency unless you call within 48 hrs.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!
		------------------------------------
From: alcmist@apple.com (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: This is a real company

But I won't mention their name or where they are.

They noticed a serious problem.  Important decisions were not getting made.
Issues were endlessly debated without resolution.

One of their employees told me what action they took to solve this problem.

They formed a committee to study it.
		------------------------------------
From: jkw%beta@lanl.gov (Jay Wooten)

My parents were on a vacation in England several years ago with some friends
named Durham.  Their itinerary took them near the town of Durham, so they
made a detour and decided to spend the night at a bead-and-breakfast in the
town of Durham.

When they came down for breakfast the next morning, they told the
proprietress that their name was Durham and that's why they had come, etc.

Without skipping a beat, the woman said:

	"Well, it's a good thing your name ain't Hell, I guess."
		------------------------------------
From: cambler@polyslo.calpoly.edu (Fubar)
Subject: Postal Idiocy

I don't know if you think this is funny or not... I got a good laugh out
of it. This is true, and just happened to me:

Several days ago, I received a card from "Science News." It offered
me a free year of said publication. All I had to do was return the postage
paid card. Great, i thought, so i checked the "yes" box, and dropped the
card in the mail.

Now, on one side is the offer, and my mailing label. I assume that they
want it back to see who i am, such that i accepted the offer. on the
other side is their address, and the "no postage necessary if mailed in
the united states" emblem, as well as "business reply mail," etc.. etc..

The anally retentive post office sent it BACK to me. I assume that they
sent it to the mailing label on the other side, rather than the reply
side. Technically, both sides of the card are compliant with postal
format... but ONLY ONE side has the "no postage necessary..." emblem,
and that's the side with "science news"'s address.

I cannot send this! It will just keep being returned.

I can't decide if it's worth a trip to the post office to point out
their ignorance.
		------------------------------------
From: lamour@tympani.mitre.org (Michael Lamoureux)
Subject: Educating our youth...

	
	Ever notice how important punctuation is?  This morning on
the way to work I saw a SCHOOL bus with the following painted on the
back in huge black letters:

			STOP STATE LAW
			
Michael
		------------------------------------
From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (Emmett Black)
Subject: Continuing Story of my life...

Back when I was a young single man in Houston, TX; 
a young lady invited me over to her apartment
to "see her etchings."

I accepted enthusiastically, hoping for the best.
She turned out to be an art teacher, 
and had hundreds of them.

		------------------------------------
From: nobody@kodak.com (Charlie Dennett)
Subject: Bonehead Stunt of the Week (or Come On Baby Light My Fire)

The local newspaper had a small note this past Sunday (May 13) of a 
Buffalo, NY man who awoke the previous day at about 7:30 AM and 
smelled gas in his house.  Did this person do the obvious?  Did he
call the fire department or the gas company?  NO!  Of course not!
He lit a cigarette. He's in the hospital and his house was last seen
heading east on the New York Thruway.

		------------------------------------
From: wrf@ecse.rpi.edu (Wm. Randolph Franklin)
Subject: corporate incompetence

Electronic Arts sent out promotional copies of software in a tin can filled
with refrigerator magnets.  Yes it was unreadable.

-- Robert Cringely, Infoworld, 10-2-89, p 102
		------------------------------------
From: hans@lfcs.edinburgh.ac.uk (Hans Huttel)
Subject: A storm of protest
Organization: Laboratory for the Foundations of Computer Science, Edinburgh U

[ taken from The Student (Edinburgh University internal newspaper)
  Thursday the 17th of May 1990                                    ]

RUMMIDGE - English Professor Philip Swallow caused a storm of 
protest this week when he awarded the Germaine Greer prize for
Feminist Literature to Ms Barbara Cartland, the popular romantic
novelist. Members of the English Department have threatened 
strike, and second year lectures given by Professor Swallow were
disrupted by a mass walkout of students.

		------------------------------------
From: sun@ecf.toronto.edu (Kwan Leung Andy Sun)
Subject: infinite loop + recursion

The following is a direct screen dump from a general message broadcast. 
If you found it funny, I guess that guy was the original author of it:
 
-General Message 307:
-From steve Thu May 17 15:39:55 1990
-Subject: new zmailer installed
-(2 lines) More? [ynq] 

Send mail to steve if you have any problems with the new mailer.

		------------------------------------
From: alcmist@apple.com (Frederick Wamsley)
Subject: Stupidest headline of the decade

So help me, this actually appeared in Infoworld.  Remember, GUI
means Graphic User Interface:

"Microsoft may legitimize GUIs with Windows 3.0"
		------------------------------------
From: valentin@cbmvax.commodore.com (Valentin Pepelea)

Gorbachev was not the only Soviet Georgian to visit the U.S. last week. Here's
a funny anecdote I found in a paper a few days ago ago:

	Withdrawal symptoms
	~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

	Fifteen Soviets, mostly Soviet Georgians, were touring a
	Georgia more familiar to us when they came acress Crescent
	Bank in Jasper.

	When the bank tellers demonstrated the bank card and the
	automatic teller machine, the Soviets gasped in amazement.

	"Only in America", exclaimed Leila Namuradze.

	Then, Valery Kadzanaya drew out his business card and asked
	the bank folks if he could use it to make a withdrawal.

	They've got a lot to learn.

						- By Tom Torok

This reminded me of a story told to me by my aunt, when I was a school
boy growing up in Romania.

	Amazing discoveries
	~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

	Towards the end of the war, as the Russian army was repelling
	the Germans from Romania, my aunt's house was used to
	temporarely house a group of Russian officers.

	Besides proudly hanging large confiscated alarm clocks by their
	necks, the officers, who had never seen running water before,
	were also amazed at water faucets, and toilet bowls. One day,
	one of them came protesting to my aunt, asking for a full
	refund:

	"I put the piece of meat in the container to wash it, and when
	 I pulled the trigger, the rushing water took it away!"

	Another day a Captain came back from the market with a suitcase
	full of faucets and exclaimed:

	"I will then plug them into the wall at home, and have running
	 water too!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  A Daemon will auto-reply.

Jokes posted instead of mailed often don't have a valid reply address.