Path: utzoo!utgpu!news-server.csri.toronto.edu!cs.utexas.edu!samsung!think.com!yale!bunker!hcap!hnews!105!41.15!Adrienne.Barhydt From: Adrienne.Barhydt@p15.f41.n105.z1.fidonet.org (Adrienne Barhydt) Newsgroups: misc.handicap Subject: overload Message-ID: <17056@bunker.UUCP> Date: 17 Jan 91 19:51:17 GMT Sender: wtm@bunker.UUCP Reply-To: Adrienne.Barhydt@p15.f41.n105.z1.fidonet.org Distribution: misc Organization: FidoNet node 1:105/41.15 - Busker's Boneyard, Portland OR Lines: 65 Approved: wtm@bunker.UUCP Index Number: 13069 i find myself in overload mode yet again. i'm not sure where to start. i'm having some trouble with my right leg and fatigue (ms) and i've decided it is time to quit driving. i've been struggling with this decision for a while now. it's been a hard one. but finally i've made it and i know it is the right thing to do. now i get to live with the consequences. i have been watching my independence disappear and my dependence grow for a while now. it hurts a lot. what did i use the car for? with my fatigue i can't do much of anything anyhow. there was lots of juggling to do anything. if i drove to the mall it had to be on a day when i had the energy and nothing else planned and then i could of the spend an hour or 2 and had to be sure to quit with enough energy to load my scooter and drive home. too much work but the freedom to do at all is gone and it hurts. where did i drive? to work, to the doctor and other medical appointments, to the post office (rarely), to the drug store (t oo often) , to shop, to the beauty shop (i desparately need a hair cut NOW) , to the bank for things i can't do by phone, to meet a friend for lunch (once or twice a year) . what else? i am racking my brains. thrilling life, no? i can't think of anything else. well, well a finite number of things to deal with. oh, i need to get to a shoe store with orthopedic shoes to get something i can wear with my new leg brace. oh, did i call this thing overload? i've spent the last 3 months trying to break in a new brace which of course means breaking in my leg, not the brace and it's not going great. so driving is the issue here. i have request an application to get into the local paratransit deal. then i can schedule my transportation 2 to 10 business days in advance! my my my, the line that keeps going through my mind is beggars can't be choosers. i am finally free of that fear that would hit me when i'd wake up in the middle of the night and remember that i'd have to drive to work in the morning. but i feel like i've lost so much. i feel like i am such a burden to my husband. i felt so bad today reminding him to pick up my prescription today because it is just the first of so many trips to the drug store not to mention all the other stuff that i used to do that he now has to do from the grocery shopping to the cooking to bringing in the mail. my dental hygienist suggested i ask him to floss my teeth for me! you know, it's just one little thing right? right one more little thing on top of one million others. right. how does anybody deal with the dependency? how do you keep a sense of self worth? i can see my accomplishments. i can see how hard i am trying. i can give myself credit for my accomplishments. but i can't seem to handle how dependent i've become. overload. my urologist removed some polyps yesterday so i made the driving decision in the middle of my terror facing that procedure. it's not hard enough without being in overload. it was painful but today i feel mostly ok. it is not over of course. in 10 days the scabs fall off and it gets painful again and there is the possibility of infection and the big question is will it make me any better? i won't know for a while. who ever would have guessed my life would revolve around going to the bathroom? adrienne -- Uucp: ..!{decvax,oliveb}!bunker!hcap!hnews!105!41.15!Adrienne.Barhydt Internet: Adrienne.Barhydt@p15.f41.n105.z1.fidonet.org