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From: adobe!!pettit@decwrl.dec.com (Teri Pettit)
Newsgroups: soc.feminism
Subject: Re: Housewives...
Message-ID: <15270@adobe.UUCP>
Date: 15 May 91 19:38:06 GMT
References: <91130.021458IO92142@MAINE.BITNET>
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In article <91130.021458IO92142@MAINE.BITNET> IO92142%MAINE.BITNET@VM1.gatech.edu (James Gray) writes:
>
>During a conversation with a friend of mine who is a feminist.
>She (no xx), and I were discussing various topics.  Finally
>I said to her...
>
>You're going to have to realize that there are women (no womyn)
>out there that *want* to be housewives or want to have children
>and *not* work while raising them.  They want these things.
>
>Well, needless to say she didn't believe me, and started on this
>explaination about how if these women where *enlightened* about
>how they have been brought up wrong.  I was amazed when she said
>this.  She thought that any women that sayed at home with
>the children was *ignorant* and needed to see the other
>side of the fence, and once she did she would leap to greener
>pastures.
>
>Well, I'm not sure how many feminists believe this, but
>sorry folx.  There are women who like their lives and
>their lives would make you sick.  Also, if you want others
>to have an open mind to your beliefs you should be the
>first to have an open mind to theirs.

I call myself a feminist, and agree with you that there
are women who like staying at home taking care of the
house and kids. There are men who like it too. Most
feminists I know think that men and women should be
equally free to make this, and other, lifestyle choices,
and that they should not be differentially educated
in what is appropriate, nor differentially judged on
the choices they do make. "What's sauce for the goose is
sauce for the gander" is a pretty good summary of feminism
for me.

As for having an open mind to the beliefs of others, I am
not quite sure what you are advising. I cannot see myself
ever being open to, say, a Nazi's belief that genocide is
an acceptable solution to "the Jewish problem." By and large,
I find pleas for open-mindedness to be rather free of content.
Do you feel that you ought to be more "open" to your feminist
friend's belief that women who choose not to have paying jobs
are deluded and ignorant? I doubt it. We do the best we can
to find a set of beliefs which are consistent with our
experience, values, etc., and we are not generally "open"
to contradictory beliefs. I do believe, though, that it
is almost always preferable to view other people as
sincere in believing what they do, and approach them
with respect rather than hostility, sarcasm, or scorn,
if that is what you mean by having an open mind.

Perhaps if you emphasized to your feminist friend that
you were making the point that some *people*, men as well
as women, honestly prefer being able to devote their
attentions to homemaking and parenting without the
distractions of a separate career, she would be more
willing to see your point. Probably she personally finds
the idea of not having a paid job so distasteful that
it is hard for her to imagine anyone liking it unless
they had been brainwashed. But it would be very hard to
claim that men had been deluded by cultural expectations
into thinking that it was what they wanted, so the existence
of men who choose this lifestyle should tend to imply that
people can prefer it without having been duped. And if
men can, why not women?

Also, it would do well to concede to her the point that girls
and boys are still raised very differently in regards to what
is expected of them, and that these differential expectations
are largely responsible for the fact that many more women
feel comfortable staying at home with the kids than do men.
At this point in time, I actually think boys have the worse
end of this particular deal now, since women are rarely put
down any more for trying to mix a career and motherhood, while
men are much less respected for choosing to be exclusively
homemakers while a partner is the sole source of family income.
Ideally both choices should be presented as valid for both
genders, and not as more natural for one than the other.

	Teri Pettit
	pettit@adobe.com