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From: Keith.Jones@f3.n157.z1.fidonet.org (Keith Jones)
Newsgroups: misc.handicap
Subject: It's my life
Message-ID: <16217@handicap.news>
Date: 18 Jun 91 16:34:31 GMT
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Index Number: 16217

[This is from the Spinal Injury Conference]

   I have wanted to respond to this for over a month. I read it in
Phoenix just prior to moving to Cleveland. Finally found this echo in
Cleveland. Finally ran into this message again.

   In college, I had to take an acting class in which I portrayed the
Dreyfuss character. I had no problem understanding his problems or
feelings. However, even then I was not capable of understanding his
motives, though I thought I did. Only now do I believe I understand him
a little better.

   I believewe, as human beings, are comprised of three aspects-- The
physical, the mental, and the spiritual.

   For us, the physical aspects of our lives are devastated by SCI---
the inability to walk, bowel and bladder problems, sexual dysfunction,
spasticity, pain, pressure sores, and other assorted complications.

   Additionally, our emotional state of mind is shattered in that our
whole self concept must change. There are few accidents or diseases that
strip a person of their identity as brutally and as quickly as SCI.

    My life. I lost my job, my apartment, my car, my girlfriend (and
ability to have sex), my friends, my pets, my hobbies,etc. I was no
longer an employee, living independently, a driver, a man(?), a friend,
a pet owner, a ballplayer, an exercise enthusiast, a frisbee wizard, or
a juggler. Who am I?

    Well I got married (and divorced), learned how to drive, got new
friends, got a cat, moved out by myself, went back to school and
graduated, raced wheelchairs competitively, got engaged (and broke it
off), and found new hobbies. I readjusted, found myself (or so I
thought) and moved on with my life.

    Then came more problems---Chronic pain, a bad back, and increased
spasticity. Now I cannot go to school, use my degree to work, I cannot
race, I am barely able to live independently, I lost more friends as I
slowed down, and I would not think of becoming romantically involved
with anyone out of fairness to them. Who am I?

    Back to the Dreyfuss character. He could not cope We don't get a
good look inside his mind. I can only surmise what caused him to reach
his decision. I do know that no two people with SCI have identical
physical problems just as no two people have the same emotional makeup.
one amn's ceiling is another man's floor. That is why one person is able
surmount tremendous obstacles and is motivated to greatness, whereas
another person commits suicide over seemingly trivial problems. Does
this mean one person is stronger inherently than another?  Possibly, but
I think it goes much deeper.

   I am a guy who struggles to keep his independence, lives alone and in
constant pain. I swim ,read, watch TV,use my computer, and occasionally
get out. This is what I am physically and mentally but it ignores who I
am spiritually.

   Spiritually, I am a child of God put on this earth to do his will
according to His plan. I was blessed with God-given talents and
abilities. When some of those were lost, God allowed me to find others I
never knew I had. I focus on what is left, not what is lost. This is
poisitive or God-directed thought. Yet it is through this process that I
have realized how much of my self concept has been dictated by physical
and mental achievements. I now believe that true happiness and peace of
mind can only be achieved 9in the spiritual area. I believe if I make
the best of what I've got to do God's will, I will have a special place
in God's heart. I believe He asks for no more and no less.

    The Dreyfuss character has lived his whole life on the physical
plane (his work as a sculptor and his physical relationship). He has no
inclination to develop his mental abilities except to achieve his
destruction. Most disturbing is that he is obviously spiritually
bankrupt.

   Certainly all of us can relate to his feelings of powerlessness.
Everything is being done to him. The onle way he can exercise any
control or power over his life is to decide that he does not want that
kind of life. Sadly, he can only rely on himself. He has no faith in
God. Therefore, he must play God.

  What I have said is controversial and raises ambivalent feelings in
myself. I wrote a paper in college for as class in Death and Dying
before my pain problems and my search for spiritual fulfillment. In it I
said I would eventually take my own life when I could no longer be of
use to myself or others (do God's will really). I strongly believe in
the quality of life v. the quantity of life. Medical technology has
gotten to the point where people are kept alive sometimes for no
apparent reason other than because our culture considers life sacred and
that human beings should be kept alive at any cost, I totally disagree.
It is dehumanizing. It amounts to senseless cruelty at times. It allows
doctors to play God.

  I believe God is loving and compassionate. I don't believe he wants
people to suffer. Suffer is a subjective term, however. What is God's
answer? I don't know. I do know that I have lived my life as a fighter
and accomplished much. But life is rough for me now. I do not wish to
continue living if it gets any rougher. I would no longer be living
then, I would just be surviving. I don't believe God intended for life
to be that way. So if I take my life, am I playing God. I like to think
not, but I do wonder.
        (to be continued)

--
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