From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!ihnp4!ihuxk!crd55611
Newsgroups: net.singles
Title: A reply...and an observation.
Article-I.D.: ihuxk.258
Posted: Mon Dec 27 14:45:41 1982
Received: Tue Dec 28 01:42:46 1982


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The feelings Mark A. Johnson expressed in his letter of 12/22 sounded 
frighteningly familiar to me and brought to mind a similar experience
of mine with a MOTOS.  The story's about the same except in our case
"M" and I have known each other about 9 years.  During the last 2 years
or so I've begun to realize that sometimes no matter how hard you try
to make a relationship work and grow--it simply is destined not to be!
Subtle incompatibilities or even outright differences are often 
overlooked or ignored in the short run in the interest of enjoying the
other person's company.  We, as human beings, like to be liked; and
it is not inconceivable that in some appreciable way we shape our 
behavior to gain the approval of those around us.  This does not
exclude MOTOS!  Maybe it was the fact that SHE asked ME to dance at
that junior sock-hop that got me so hooked on "M", but I know that
back then there was little I wouldn't do to win "M's" affections.

As the months became years I knew I "liked" M more than she "liked"
me, but I resolved the belief in myself that I had but to persevere
and my efforts would be rewarded.  Alas, this has not come to pass
and in my stronger moments I can even admit to myself that it 
probably never will.  This leaves many annoying loose ends.  I say
"annoying" because although I feel I've gotten to the point where
I can deal with my emotions without getting too emotional, I still
carry a soft spot around with me for "M".

Just to address some of the specific points Mark is eliciting replies
to:  1) Your friends are probably right--you probably are a
"marvelous person" with many good qualities, but I feel that many
women can sense when a man lacks the right combination of confidence
and independence and will offer friendship in place of (or before)
a more "intense" relationship.  2)Love isn't always something to
"survive" or "learn from".  The experiences we derive from love
are unique to the individuals involved, however, I feel that Mark
will definitely survive and learn from love since his question shows
a willingness to do just that.  3) & 4)Can you express grief without
being manipulative?  Manipulative is pretty heavy-handed but
essentially correct.  I think any expression of grief will affect
a person's attitude toward you, but I think that "manipulate"
implies intent.  If you insist that you love someone (more than 
once), you're probably being a gadfly--and fast becoming a liability
rather than an asset.  5) People will usually see more of you than
you are willing to show about yourself but also far less than the
total picture of you.  Of course you like yourself (most folks do),
but you must also feel comfortable with yourself.  6) How do you 
keep from blaming your nature for failure?  If you must place blame,
then "blame" it on both your natures--dont try to change your
"nature" into something you're not; learn to like who you are and
the friendship of others will come in time.

Sure, this has all been relatively easy for me to say 'cause I'm
feeling more objective than usual--but I've been there and it hurt like
HELL!!!  But it's been worth it.


                                               Chuck Dobrovolny
                                               BTL IX
                                               ihuxk!crd55611