From: utzoo!decvax!decwrl!sun!megatest!fortune!hpda!hplabs!hao!seismo!rlgvax!oz
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Title: more newspaper humor
Article-I.D.: rlgvax.317
Posted: Thu Apr 21 22:31:00 1983
Received: Fri Apr 29 10:53:34 1983


Here are some more bits of unintentional humor from our nations newspapers.
Todays entries come from the announcements sections of the paper, and more
specifically from a book called "Classified Humor" edited by Earle Tempel
(Pocket Books, 1970)

LOST: Will the gentleman who picked up the fur coat on Riverside Drive
last night please return the blonde that was in it.  No question asked.
(Brooklyn NY Daily Eagle)

FOUND: Hand-tooled leather wallet containing large sum of money.  Thanks!
(Chicago Tribune)

Widower with spare time seeks widow with spare cash.
(Houston Daily Press)

I lost several weeks canvassing.  I lost several acres of corn and potatoes.
I gave away 2 calves and 5 goats for barbecue.  I gave away 5 pairs of
suspenders, 6 ladies' dresses and 15 baby rattles.  For prospective voters
I plowed 173 acres and spread 63 loads of barnyard fertilizer.  I drew 24
buckets of water, put up 14 kitchen stoves, kindled 17 fires and kissed 115
babies.  I walked 6,481 miles, shook hands 9,847 timed and talked enought to
make several volumes.  I lost 2 front teeth and some hair in a personal
encounter with a supporter of an opponent.  I attended 26 revival meetings,
made love to 9 grass widows and got dog-bit 39 times and FOLKS, STILL I GOT
DEFEATED.  I want to thank my 43 friends, AND THEY ARE FRIENDS, for casting
their votes for me and to the rest of Jefferson County, I warn you that I
am now going armed with a sawed-off shotgun because a man that doesn't have
more then 43 friends in a county as big as Jefferson is definitely in need
of extra protecion.  Briscoe Holt
(Dandridge Tenn Banner)

				OZ
				seismo!rlgvax!oz