From: utzoo!decvax!harpo!eagle!mhtsa!alice!npoiv!npois!cbosgd!bdd
Newsgroups: net.singles
Title: Stating the ground rules for a relationship
Article-I.D.: cbosgd.3481
Posted: Fri Apr 29 15:57:59 1983
Received: Sat Apr 30 07:29:02 1983

The submission of this article marks the demise of my 
subscription to Net.singles as a spectator only 
(upon advice from 'Lord Morgon').  The subject of 
stating ones intentions/expectations early in a 
relationship hits close to home with me.  When I was
completing my last year of college (81), I became involved
with a woman whom I had been introduced to as sort of
a "lets fix them up" kind of conspiracy between some
mutual friends of ours.  She was a really sweet girl 
whom I enjoyed spending many hours with.  We talked 
about seeing each other on a regular basis and no 
others for awhile although we never really discussed what 
each of us wanted or expected from this relationship.  A few
times our discussions involved marriage, not for the two
of us, but just our views on matrimony.  Well I did not
realize that some general statements I made regarding
my desire to SOME DAY get married became expectations
in her eyes.  As she began to pressure the marriage issue
more and more in our discussions, I realized that what she
was expecting from this relationship became more than what
was currently there.  I really liked this woman, but having
not openly discussed what I was wanting in a relationship
coupled with the fact that I was in no way ready for marriage
caused on hell of a problem when I tried to get this point
across to her.  I do not get my kicks from starting some heavy 
relationship with a woman, then just ending it because it went 
to far.  I have had my heart broken a few times and didn't like 
it at all, so I make an effort to never inflict that kind of 
emotional pain on someone else, especially someone I care about.
But when she began to mention an engagement I had to sit down 
with her and make her realize how I felt.  As I anticipated, she
felt that it was because of her that I didn't want things
to progress and she couldn't understand that the problem was
my unpreparedness for marriage.  This was a very difficult 
discussion and along with this really hurting her, she also said 
she didn't wish to see me again.  I learned my lesson the hard 
way that if you do not make your expectations VERY CLEAR in the 
beginning of a relationship, you may be leaving yourself open for 
more problems than you think.  I have always found that even though 
it may not always work both ways, honesty is always the best basis 
for any relationship, especially with a MOPS.

			Always doing things the hard way,

			Brian Durnell
			cbosgd!bdd
			Bell Labs, Columbus Ohio  (GO BUCKS!!!!)