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Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!seismo!rlgvax!oz
From: oz@rlgvax.UUCP (THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: William Claude Dunkenfield meets Master Charles McCarthy
Message-ID: <981@rlgvax.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 9-Aug-83 21:19:34 EDT
Article-I.D.: rlgvax.981
Posted: Tue Aug  9 21:19:34 1983
Date-Received: Fri, 12-Aug-83 11:03:13 EDT
Organization: CCI, Capitol Region
Lines: 86

Ah me, the letters are still coming in regarding my submission (well follow-
up submission actually) of a little speech by a certain Julius H. Marx.  I
thought people might be also interested in a little exchange between a Mr.
W.C. Fields and Charlie McCarthy.  Those of you whose favorite member of
Saturday Night Live is Gary Kroeger need read no further.

For the uninformed (or the frighteningly young) W.C. Fields played a classic
"snake oil saleman."  A liar, a cheet, a con man, a drunkard, but somehow
still loveable.  Charlie McCarthy was an invention of Edgar Bergen and an
oddity at that, a ventriloquist on the radio!  Well it worked and the "feuds"
between Fields and McCarthy are classics.  Todays installment is called "A
Visit to the Barber Shop"  It came from an excellent book:
W.C. FIELDS BY HIMSELF.  And now back to radio and the 1940's.  A time when
the country was at war, it needed entertainment, and booze was scarce.
Bergen and Charlie are sitting in a barber shop when Fields comes in:

BERGEN:		Why, W.C. Fields!

FIELDS:		Hello, Edgar.

CHARLIE:	Well if it isn't W.C. Fields, the original half man and half
		nose.

FIELDS:		Well, Charlie McCarthy, the wood-pecker's pin-up boy.

BERGEN:		Tell me Bill what brings you here this fine, sunshiny day?

FIELDS:		Yes, fine sunshiny day, yes indeedy.  I saw the sign out front,
		Edgar.  It says "Beautiful Saloon."

CHARLIE:	That's Beauty Salon.

BERGEN:		As long as you're here, Bill, you can talk to me while
		Charlie's getting his hair cut.

FIELD:		You know Edgar, it's touching to see your affection for the
		little nipper.  It strikes a tender chord in my heart.

BERGEN:		But Bill, I thought you didn't like children.

FIELDS:		Not at all, Edgar.  I love children.  Why I can remember when
		with my own unsteady little legs I toddled from room to room.

CHARLIE:	When was that, last night?

FIELDS:		Quiet, wormwood, or I'll whittle you down to a coat hanger.

BERGEN:		Now, Bill, let's not start that.  Tell me, what have you
		been doing lately?

FIELDS:		I've been indulging in strenuous exercise.

CHARLIE:	Oh, elbow bending, eh?

FIELDS:		On the contrary, Charles, for years I've been athletic.  You
		can always find me at the punching bag, or near the horizontal
		bar, or horizontal near the bar.  Tell me Charles, is it true
		your father was a gate-leg table?

CHARLIE:	If it is, your father was under it.

BERGEN:		Bill, why must you two always fight?

FIELDS:		Sorry, Edgar, I forgot myself for the nonce.  It's not like me.
		I'm a changed man lately.  Been leading an entirely new life.

CHARLIE:	Yeah, the stuff is really hard to get nowadays.

FIELDS:		I presume you're referring to the alcohol shortage.

BERGEN:		You shouldn't complain, Bill.  Alcohol is very important these
		days.  They're even using it for ammunition.

FIELDS:		Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

BERGEN:		I read where there are two ounces of alcohol in a bullet, and
		ten ounces of alcohol in a hand-grenade.

FIELDS:		Shake hands with an old block-buster.

				I knew a beautful blonde once, she drove me
				to drink.  Tis the once thing I am indebted
				to her for,

				OZ
				seismo!rlgvax!oz