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From: bobr@tekgds.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: A (Fairly) Concise Science Dictionary
Message-ID: <1267@tekgds.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 20-Aug-83 17:44:20 EDT
Article-I.D.: tekgds.1267
Posted: Sat Aug 20 17:44:20 1983
Date-Received: Wed, 24-Aug-83 08:27:30 EDT
Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR
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By Graham Storr (from the New Scientist)

APHASIA n. Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, "But
of what use is your research?"

ARITHMETIC n. An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed
countries.

BELIEF n. Something you do not believe.

CHEMICALS n.pl. Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

DATA n.pl. An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.

EXPERT n. Self-publicist.

FAKIR n. A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have
shinnied up a rope and vanished.

GENIUS n. Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right
time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the
right things to all the right people.

GOD n. Darwin's chief rival.

HARD a. The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of
other people.

INDEX n. Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.

INNOVATE v.i. Annoy people

JOKE n. The science budget.  Like many other jokes of the present Government
(such as inflation and unemployment) this one is based on the theory,
"You've got to laugh or you'll got mad."

KNOWLEDGE n. Things you believe.

LASER n. Failed death-ray.

LIFE n. A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

METEOROLOGIST n. One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to
rain if you forget your umbrella.

NEUTRON BOMB n. An explosive device of limited military value because, as it
only destroys people without destroying property, it must be used in
conjunction with bombs that destroy property.

OMNISCIENCE n. Talking only about things you know about.

PARANOIA n. A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.

QUARK n. The sound made by a well bred duck.

ROBOT n. University administrator.

SERENDIPITY n. The process by which human knowledge is advanced.

THEORY n. System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to
originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look
in print.

UNIVERSE n. The problem.

UNIVERSITY n. Institution where people incapacitated by an intellectual
disposition can be put out of society's way.

VACUUM n. A state abhorred by Nature.

WEAPON n. An index of the lack of development of a culture.

YO-YO n. Something that is occasionallly up but normally down (see also
COMPUTER).

ZEAL n. Quality seen in new graduates--if you're quick.