Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site hou5a.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!harpo!gummo!whuxlb!pyuxll!eisx!npoiv!npois!hogpc!houxm!mhuxi!eagle!hou5h!hou5a!hbb From: hbb@hou5a.UUCP Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Murphy's Laws Message-ID: <405@hou5a.UUCP> Date: Mon, 19-Sep-83 11:39:34 EDT Article-I.D.: hou5a.405 Posted: Mon Sep 19 11:39:34 1983 Date-Received: Tue, 20-Sep-83 16:44:31 EDT Organization: American Bell ED&D, Holmdel, NJ Lines: 157 When I was in college, someone sent copies of Murphy's Laws (as they apply to computers) to all the users of the UN*X system we had. I recall having seen something similar in an issue of (what was then) Kilobaud. There must be some other truisms like these floating around out in Netland. P'raps someone will post a followup (not me). Harlan Braude AT & T - Information Systems Laboratories, Inc. hou5a!hbb ===============================*=START=*======================================= PREFACE: We the willing, led by the unknown, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. MURPHY'S LAWS. 1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 2) If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong. 3) If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 4) If you determine that there are four possible ways by which something can go wrong and circumvent them, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 5) Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 6) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 7) Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 8) Mother nature is a #@%&?&^%! O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS. Murphy was an optimist. GINSBERG'S THEOREMS. 1) You can't win 2) You can't break even 3) You can't even quit the game FORSYTH'S SECOND CORROLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS. Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in. WELLER'S LAW. Nothing is impossible for the person that doesn't have to do it him/herself. THE LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING. 1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2) Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. 3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5) Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. 6) The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output. 7) Program complexity increases until it exceeds the capability of the programmer that must maintain it. PIERCE'S LAW. In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint or not evaluate any expression or subroutine or fail to print any output on at least the first run through. COROLLARY TO PIERCE'S LAW. When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output. ADDITION TO MURPHY'S LAWS. In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything goes right...something must be wrong. BROK'S LAW. If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. GROSCH'S LAW. Computer power increases as the square of the cost. GOLUB'S LAW OF COMPUTERDOM. 1) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 2) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected. A carefully planned project takes only twice as long. 3) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time. 4) Project teams detest weekly project reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. OSBORN'S LAW. Variables won't; constants aren't. GLIB'S LAW OF UNRELIABILITY. 1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are more unreliable. 2) Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable. 3) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety in contrast to detectable errors which, by definition, are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY. There's always one more bug. WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. GOMPERSON'S LAW. The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements understood by the general public. ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS. Once you open a can of worms the only way to recan them is to use a larger can (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans). HARVARD'S LAW AS APPLIED TO COMPUTERS. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. SATTINGER'S LAW. It works better if you plug it in. JENKINSON'S LAW. It won't work. HORNER'S FIVE-THUMB POSTULATE. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. CHEOPS'S LAW. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. RULE OF ACCURACY. When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps to know the answer. ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAWS. When it rains, it pours. PUDDER'S LAW'S 1) Anything that begin well, ends badly. 2) Anything that begins badly, ends worse. WESHEIMER'S RULE. To estimate the time it takes to do a task: a) Estimate the time you think it should take, b) multiply it by two, c) change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task. STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM. If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible. ATWOOD'S COROLLARY. No books are lost by lending except those you particularly want to keep. JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW. If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that contains the article, story or installment that you were most anxious to read. COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW. All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it away. HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW. You never find the article until you replace it. BROOKE'S LAW. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. FINAGLE'S FORTH LAW. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse. FEATHERKILE'S RULE. Whatever you did, that's what you planned. FLAP'S LAW. Any inanimate object, regardless of it's position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform, at any time, in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. =================================*=END=*=======================================