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From: jrrt@hogpd.UUCP (R.MITCHELL)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Honesty in Relationships
Message-ID: <154@hogpd.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 23-Sep-83 14:04:09 EDT
Article-I.D.: hogpd.154
Posted: Fri Sep 23 14:04:09 1983
Date-Received: Mon, 26-Sep-83 01:07:40 EDT
Lines: 64

A recent submission to the net asked me to clarify a few points
I had made about how I treat honesty in relationships.  This note will answer
those question, but for brevity's sake my initial submission will not be
quoted.  I took the liberty of slightly editting the questions...
*******************************************************************
>From hogpc!houxm!ihnp4!ih1ap!jgd Thu Sep 22 15:29:21 1983
In your article you stated. "My honesty with a person depends on 
which category the person falls into."  Of your three categories
1) casual aquaintances
2) friends
3) Friends 
your "Friends", "These 5 people have earned my respect and love, 
and I feel obligated to be truthful to them at all times."

1) What I don't understand is why can't you have the same attitude
toward the first two groups as the third?
       All men (and women) are not created equal.  Some deserve my
    my respect more than others.  Some deserve my love more than others.
    How can I reward/thank people who have enriched my life?  Partly by
    treating them with dignity and honesty beyond that that I feel
    should be bestowed on typical people.  There's no such thing as a free
    lunch; more than mere courtesy must be earned.

2) How does one "earn" your "Friendshp"?
       A tough question; one reader asked me that question via mail; my
    response was around 100+ lines.  To summarize roughly: it just develops.
    As I get to know more about a person, as I interact more with them, learn
    their values, virtues and vices, I am better able to judge whether a
    person deserves my Friendship.  In general, Friendships have been forged
    over a period of 5 years or so, invariably including periods of mutual
    hardship in which I and the other person learn much about each other.
    And for the record, Friendship is a no-obligation deal.  My Friends
    owe me nothing, certainly not that they consider me *their* Friend.

3) Is the "obligation to be truthful" to your "Friends" one that you
enjoy or is it a burden to you?
      I am proud to have the Friends I do.  My obligation to be truthful is
    not easy for me, but I value the standards I set for myself.  So, yes,
    it's a bit of a burden but worth the cost.  (As a loose analogy, is 
    caring for a child you love a burden, or an enjoyable task?)

4) Why do you attempt to categorize people and thus LIMIT your 
relationships with others?
      My time, energy, interest-in-my-fellow-humans, etc. is finite.  How
    do I allocate these resources?  I certainly don't construct mathematical
    models and solve non-linear programs.  Instead, I do the human thing.  I
    spend my time, energy, etc. on the people I find rewarding.  I am not an
    altruist.  Categorizing people in a loose way doesn't stereotype them,
    it's just a natural outgrowth of life.  Category 1 people are those I'm
    either not too interested in, those who want nothing to do with me,
    or those who will naturally drift into Category 2.

5) Do you believe your approach is condusive to personal growth?
      Sorry to chicken out on this question, but I can't answer until I
    know what you mean by "personal growth."  With *my* definition, the
    answer is Yes.  My friends and Friends continuously stimulate me
    beyond my ability to cope, and as I open-mindedly meet more and more
    casual acquaintances, I will continue to learn and share and grow.

      I get the impression you don't entirely approve of my attitude.  I am
    impressed and grateful that you chose not to express your disapproval
    via a flame.  Thanks, and I'd be glad to discuss this at greater length
    on the net or via private mail.
                                           Rob Mitchell   hogpd!jrrt