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Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!floyd!vax135!ariel!houti!hogpc!houxm!ihnp4!ihldt!luchs
From: luchs@ihldt.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Dear net.abby
Message-ID: <2001@ihldt.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 23-Sep-83 19:29:12 EDT
Article-I.D.: ihldt.2001
Posted: Fri Sep 23 19:29:12 1983
Date-Received: Mon, 26-Sep-83 06:28:57 EDT
Organization: BTL Naperville, Il.
Lines: 90

Thanks to all of those who have responded to my article so far
via net and private mail.  It seems that I left a few unanswered
questions that I will attempt to clear up now...

>From Bob Paveleck's article:

     You could look at the gift of the b&w TV as something in the same
     vein as the Little Drummer Boy's gift to the Christ child (i.e.,
     he was unable to give the child anything fancy, so he gave of
     himself by giving his talents.)...
     ...Maybe he thought he couldn't really impress her with a nice gift,
     so he gave her something in which he took pride and had talent.

You might want to re-read the original article.  He didn't put his
time or talent into the gift.  He is building HIMSELF a tv.  He did
NOT build this one.  He did not even do any work on it.  The tv was just
something that his rather well-to-do parents no longer had any use
for, so they gave it to him.  He in turn gave it to my friend.

She would have been THRILLED with the kind of gift you described
(someone giving of their talents instead of a fancy gift.)

I have talked to women who say that their boyfriends give them
hundreds of dollars for a valentine's day gift (or whatever) and
say "Hey, go out and buy yourself a card and some jewelry."  They
would prefer getting a 75-cent card (or a hand-written poem, or
whatever) and maybe a small gift.  The old saying "It's the thought
that counts" still holds true!  That's what my friend objected to--
the idea that he put no thought or effort behind this.

This guy has definitely not yet been able to "wake up and smell the
coffee."  By the way, she talked to him today and he said, "So what
do you have planned for us to do this weekend??"  He's got a *lot* of
learning to do, but I think her patience is wearing a little thin.

>From Ray Davis' article:


     Unless this guy is real young (like grade school age), then I'd
     question his ability to function in a meaningful relationship.

He is about 24.  This is his first dating experience.  She is putting
up with more than I would.  Probably because she has gone out with some
really *awful* guys in the past.  By comparison this one seems pretty
nice.  I have gone out with some really nice guys (okay there was one
jerk) so I have different standards as to how I like to be treated.
I believe in reciprocation in all aspects of a relationship.  I don't
think I should have to train someone to do that.  Not at this age.

>From mail:

     How old are these people?
     How close?
     What are your feelings about each?

He's 24, she's 30.  I think if they were closer maybe this whole
thing wouldn't have happened (he would have a little better idea of
what she might expect.)  I think that they both have their problems,
but are basically good-intentioned people.  I think he's off in dream
land in many ways.  I have severe doubts as to whether or not these
two belong together.

>From mail:

     ...your friend and her boyfriend might have different ideas of
     what birthday celebrations should be.
     A way for her to find out is to ask him what type of attention
     he expects for his birthday.....Was it her upbringing or did he
     do something to indicate there would be special treatment on her
     birthday?

These are interesting points.  He did say that he had "a surprise" for
her.  I guess she had reason to be expecting something.  Boy, she is
really going to run into trouble around Christmas time (if they are
still dating and she has not straightened this out.)  She (yes, due
to her upbringing) thinks that birthdays are important, but Christmas
is FAR MORE IMPORTANT to her!

>From mail:

     Regardless of the cause of the difference in birthday expectations,
     she should discuss her feelings with him as soon as possible.  It
     may be an indication that there will be future misunderstandings
     about proper behavior on various occasions.

This seems like sound advice, but she is still a little too upset to
discuss it with him.  She wants some time to sort her thoughts out.

Keep those cards and letters coming...
Sarah