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Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!tektronix!uw-beaver!cornell!vax135!floyd!clyde!akgua!emory!gatech!spaf
From: spaf@gatech.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Dear net.abby
Message-ID: <1293@gatech.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 29-Sep-83 20:49:45 EDT
Article-I.D.: gatech.1293
Posted: Thu Sep 29 20:49:45 1983
Date-Received: Sun, 2-Oct-83 19:58:32 EDT
References: <2014@ihldt.UUCP>
Organization: Georgia Tech School of ICS, Atlanta
Lines: 64

Sarah asks that if people know what they're looking for, why not go out
and find them?  If only it was that easy.  I know what I want, but where
do I look?  And how do I find what I want and also get lucky enough to
have that person want what I am?  And the "near misses" have hurt an
awful lot....

As to the fellow who gave the old TV... sometimes the things we prize
are incomprehensible to others.  My cat brings in mice and birds that
he catches and lays them at my feet, proud of his gifts and unswerving
in his devotion.  I thank kitty (named Waldo the Wonder Duck) and put
him and his prize back outside.  I would much prefer he bring in a
live redhead for me, but I recognize the intent despite my interest
in gifts.

Each of us has some kind of mental picture of what an "appropriate"
type of gift might be.  Much of that is conditioned by what we value
and what we have been given through our lives.  This particular
instance could be one of someone who is not used to material presents
and who was attempting to play the game based on what he had seen and
heard of others ("hey, a TV is an expensive gift.  Will this do?").  I
mean, maybe he isn't into giving alcohol and dead vegetable matter
(champagne and flowers).  Chocolate makes you fat.  And so it goes.
You do stupid things sometimes when you don't know the rules of the
game.

Experience is what helps you prevent making the same mistake twice
(you make different mistakes, instead).  The lady should talk to the
guy and make him aware of her particular feelings and expectations.
If he cares, he can show it in other ways.  How does he act the rest of
the time?  Does she believe he cares?

Some people find it difficult to touch one another, with hugs or with
words.  That doesn't mean the affection isn't there -- it just means
that they express things differently.  You have to learn some of their
"language" and teach them some of yours.  Communication isn't easy.
Neither is a relationship.  Love doesn't mean living happily ever
after, but it sure can help.

I was very involved with one special lady for 4.5 years.  In all that
time, I think she only said "I love you" in words only 3 times.  In
fact, we discussed it once or twice, and she indicated it made her want
to cry if she tried it.  Yet, I never had any doubts.  I knew what she
was saying when she sent me a card, or gave me a hug, or smiled at me.
I would trade my last ten birthdays to have those smiles once again.

My dad has never said "I love you" nor has he ever come up with any
kind of birthday gift that stuck in my mind much.  But I have what
I am today and the memories of all the things he did for me.  That's
the gift that really matters to me.

If the guy is a crummy gift-giver, educate him.  If he's a lousy
kisser, help him practice.  If he has lousy taste in clothes, help him
shop.  But do it if you care for him and he cares for you, not if you
think you can "transform" him into someone you can love.  Talk it over
-- don't let it fester inside.  Look at the other things about him and
see if he's worth it on that level.  What will you miss most -- him, or
a birthday celebration which never happened?

...what I would give for those smiles again...

-- 
The padded cell of Gene Spafford
CSNet:	Spaf @ GATech		ARPA:	Spaf.GATech @ UDel-Relay
uucp:	...!{akgua, allegra, rlgvax, sb1, ut-ngp, ut-sally}!gatech!spaf