Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site fluke.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!microsoft!uw-beaver!ssc-vax!fluke!kurt From: kurt@fluke.UUCP (Kurt Guntheroth) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Cannonical Collection of LB Jokes Message-ID: <753@vax2.fluke.UUCP> Date: Wed, 12-Oct-83 12:27:26 EDT Article-I.D.: vax2.753 Posted: Wed Oct 12 12:27:26 1983 Date-Received: Fri, 14-Oct-83 03:10:40 EDT Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Everett, Wash Lines: 163 Notes on the Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes: The WASPs in the following jokes are 'white Anglo-Saxon Protestants' and are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose lifestyle people. In Seattle, these are 'Mercer Islander' jokes. In California, they are 'Marin County' residents/housewives. This file has not been sorted for a few months, and therefore may contain duplications. ----- The Cannonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Thats a hardware problem. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from Western Electric Corp. on payment of license fee (binary only). Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A1: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A2: None of your damn business! Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. (Hint: They are small enough to fit inside). Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a lightbulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need lightbulbs again. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A1: None of your damn business! A2: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. Q: How many med students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None, the bulb will change itself when its ready. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? A: You can unscrew a lightbulb. Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subornidates to actually change it. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes nine years. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. -- Kurt Guntheroth John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc. {uw-beaver,decvax!microsof,ucbvax!lbl-csam,allegra,ssc-vax}!fluke!kurt