Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site princeton.UUCP
Path: utzoo!linus!security!genrad!decvax!ittvax!ittral!laidbak!ihnp4!houxm!mhuxi!mhuxl!ulysses!princeton!gabriel
From: gabriel@princeton.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: a solution to rising defense expenditures.
Message-ID: <128@princeton.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 17-Oct-83 09:35:19 EDT
Article-I.D.: princeto.128
Posted: Mon Oct 17 09:35:19 1983
Date-Received: Tue, 18-Oct-83 23:03:07 EDT
Organization: Princeton University
Lines: 73

(copyright by Jack Mostow at USC/ISI)


A LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT

Dear President Reagan:

I hear you want a multi-billion-dollar super-weapon to zap Soviet missiles.
Well, Mr. President, I've got the perfect solution, and it won't even need any
new taxes.

You see, Mr. President, the main technical problem in neutralizing the Soviet
missile threat isn't firepower; we've got plenty of that.  No, the problem is
THINKPOWER -- we've got to be able to react to lots of incoming missiles and
zap every one before it strikes.  What's more, no centralized computer will
do, even if it's big and smart and fast enough to handle the job, because the
Russkies would just take it out first thing.  Our thinkpower must be
distributed all over the country so that they can't possibly wipe it out.

Here's my idea:  in the event of a missile crisis, every video arcade in the
U.S. is put on red alert.  All the Missile Command games automatically get
tied in to missile-scanning radar, and the firing buttons get hooked up to
actual giant lasers.  The neighborhood kids are mobilized and report to the
arcade to back up the standing watch of Space Marines, made up of crack
juvenile delinquents who must score at least 100,000 to qualify.  (This
special force will quickly be dubbed the Mareenyboppers.)  Only kids have the
reaction speed, experience, and spare time needed for this job.  Of course,
adults will be able to provide logistical support; for example, when an
emergency is called, the National Guard will deliver supplies of quarters so
the arcades can continue to make change.

Not only won't this cost a cent in taxes, it will be a profit-making
proposition!  Every time the Soviets threaten to attack, the arcades will make
millions, and the U.S. Treasury will take a cut.  As Commander-in-Chief, you
can even call readiness drills whenever the government gets a little low on
cash.

Of course, the Soviets will react by targeting missiles to take out all our
video arcades.  You will be tempted to respond with an expensive program to
put our arcades on moving trains, bury them in hardened silos, or move them
all to Casper, Wyoming so that incoming Soviet missiles blow each other to
smithereens (along with Casper, Wyoming).  Mr. President, RESIST THIS
TEMPTATION.  Put your faith in the good old American free enterprise system.
I guarantee you that new video arcades will keep springing up faster than the
Soviets can aim missiles at them.

The Commies will of course complain that we have many more video arcades than
we need for our national defense.  Let 'em!  They're just a bunch of soreheads
anyway, right?

Of course, they won't take this lying down.  Their next step will be a crash
program to blanket the Soviet Union with their own video arcades, which they
will probably locate in local Party headquarters and government offices
(little realizing the economic and political disruption this will bring
about).  Although they'll have the same number of video arcades as we, do not
be misled by Communist-inspired pacifists who claim that this puts us at
parity.  After all, the Russian video arcades will take rubles, which are
worth much more than quarters.

The Soviets will really howl when they hear your response:  if they are not
willing to convert half their video arcades to Ms. PacMan, then to restore
parity you will install HOME VIDEO throughout Western Europe.  The hardliners
in the Kremlin will never consent to your proposal, so they will immediately
match your move by installing home video in every house, apartment, and prison
cell throughout Russia and Eastern Europe.

Mr. President, at this point your triumph over Communism and your place in
history will be secure.  With video games everywhere, the Soviet Union will
quickly become so decadent that it will never threaten us again.

Sincerely,

Dr. Jack Mostow (a computer scientist concerned for the national defense)