Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!harpo!floyd!clyde!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!uiucuxc!kline From: kline@uiucuxc.UUCP Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: A parallel discussion: net.abby. - (nf) Message-ID: <3676@uiucdcs.UUCP> Date: Thu, 3-Nov-83 22:40:15 EST Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.3676 Posted: Thu Nov 3 22:40:15 1983 Date-Received: Mon, 7-Nov-83 02:18:36 EST Lines: 317 #N:uiucuxc:20700038:000:13062 uiucuxc!kline Nov 3 13:26:00 1983 (Ported from our Cyber 175 NOTES system. I thought it was interesting. The discussions which take place on the Cyber are typically much more sophomoric than the ones here, but the problems and feelings are, I think, much the same. I'm sure these people would welcome any comments by the net.ters.) ------> Interpersonal Relationships. ------> Note #12 "OPINION POLL" by Anonymous on 09/09 17:55 If your girlfriend got F'ed by another guy, and you found out about it would you: a) Dump her. b) Forget about it. c) Get laid yourself. d) Other suggestions. ------> Response 1 09/09 19:50 by Anonymous Dump her. Unequivocally. ------> Response 2 09/10 20:30 by Anonymous How serious is/was this girlfriend? And does she know you know? In my opinion it isn't something you can easily forget about. I would find someone else that you can trust, if you are looking for a serious relationship. ------> Response 3 09/10 20:39 by Anonymous Very serious, and still is. I think. Although #2 is right about me not trusting her. Dazed, Confused & in Love. I think? ------> Response 5 09/12 18:49 by ZIOMEK TOM COMMON SENSE SAYS DUMP HER. YOU MIGHT BE DAZED, CONFUSED, AND/OR IN LOVE, BUT SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. ------> Response 6 09/12 21:32 by 3KCTULA DON'T FORGET ABOUT IT. ASK HER TO EXPLAIN. IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY, DUMP HER. ------> Response 6 09/13 21:03 by Anonymous CASE CLOSED!! I CONFRONTED HER ABOUT IT, AND NOW IT JUST DON'T MATTER ANYMORE. ------> Response 7 09/13 21:50 by Anonymous THERE'S A MAN WITH HIS HEAD ON STRAIGHT. TALK TO HER, AND TRY TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. MAYBE YOU HAVE DIFFERENT IDEAS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT NEED TO BE SETTLED. IF TALKING CAN'T SOLVE IT, BREAK OFF THE RELATIONSHIP IN A MATURE MANNER. ------> Response 8 09/15 18:32 by Anonymous FIRST A....THEN C....THEN B.... ------> Response 9 09/29 13:40 by Anonymous Well, anonymous, I can sympathise. I had the same problem, but my solution is different than everybody else's, so lemme respond. A girl that I had been seeing for quite some time and I went our seperate ways when we went off to college. We kept in touch, tho', and when we were home, we saw each other quite a bit. Accrued quite a phone bill too, as I recall. Well, the problem with the relationship was that I was just discovering that I could be desirable to the opposite sex, and even though we both agreed that the other was the best we'd ever found, I wanted to go on meeting other people. This kinda hurt her. So away we went. I really didn't date much, but she did, and told me about it. Each guy she saw, I considered as a challenge, and handled him thusly: date her or talk to her when I could, and see if she didn't acknowledge that I was the best. She did, so I was happy in my macho method of handling things. There came a time when we were out of touch for a while. Later, I learned that she'd found a new guy, and I handled it the same way. Eventually, she told me she'd gotten real close and had slept with him, too. None of it really touched base until I had to meet him with her socially. Killed me, it did. I went through a lot of pain, then... an ego that had been very stable, strong, and healthy for quite a while was demolished that day. I met up with her later on, and reminded her of the many good times we'd shared, and told her what pain I was in. It helped us both to see that we cared a lot for each other. Now I learned a few things. First, that we play games. One of her reasons for doing this was to get my attention, if not consciously. Another thing we all do is to seek attention. I wanted to see other people to prove to myself that I was worthy of attention from memeber of the opposite sex, and it took me a while to learn that she needed to see that, too. She was also seeking attention and affection where there was a void at the time. So we both learned a lot, despite our base motivations and emotions. We are a lot closer now, and I am secure that she would never try this again. Were she to, she'd then lose me forever. So let me close with this. Depending on the situation, she may've had a very good human reason to do what she sis (your "she", this time) and you would be a fool not to look into the human reasons for her actions. G'luck, an' if you wanna talk, drop a note. /\/ ------> Response 12 10/02 16:28 by Anonymous The guy who wrote response 8 makes a lot of sense, but how do you justify that probably awful time period when all of this occurred. I would think it would leave quite a dark cloud over your relationship from the time you found out about the other guy on. I don't know if I myself could handle that. One guy responded by saying that you may love her, but obviously she doesn't (,or didn't) love you, if she was sleeping with another guy. How do you respond to that? Doesn't the knowlege of her sleeping with another guy kind of eat away at your feelings for her? Also do you think you would rather not have known? I can see where if she loves you, she would want to let you know all about her, but telling you takes the burden of knowlege off of her, and places it on you. What's your reaction? ------> Response 13 10/02 18:42 by Anonymous Thanks for the compliments, I dunno how I 'justify' it. It hurt more than anything that I can recall. I still have some painful memories, too. But I think that the good far outweighs the bad. We learned a lot about each other, and were kinda forced to see it through the other's eyes. I realized that if I could see other people, she could, too, and that that may not have been what I wanted. Net result: I learned that I really cared for her a whole lot more than I knew before, and she learned the same. I definitely would rather have known, if only for the sake of the vanity I am afforded by knowing that she's seen other guys, and I'm still the one she keeps coming back to. "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was," fits nicely here. ------> Response 14 10/04 22:43 by Anonymous Ya know, the quote you pulled out in the end. Is exactly the one she used to 'justify' the whole thing. You kinda freaked me out by using it. ------> Response 15 10/05 23:33 by Anonymous It's a pretty common quote (I'll not lay claim to psychic powers at this time), tho' I've not ever found the author. And it has managed to weather the tests of time, including my own case. So what is happening now? Quite a while ago, you said you confronted her. How are things now? Best o' luck. ------> Response 16 10/06 15:05 by BECKER CRA my old girlfriend used to do it all the time. (well, occasionally) i just made it perfectly clear that she wasn't to bring home any diseases. other than that, i didn't really care if she went catting around sometimes; i mean, we got along fine, and a little outside sex wasn't going to mess up our relationship. we parted friends when she took a job in another part of the country, and i still keep in touch with her. i realize that this approach is not for everyone, but it worked for me. cheers, craig ------> Response 17 10/06 15:34 by ZIOMEK TOM That quote is probably older than the stars, and for a reason. It applies to so many people everywhere. It really helps to keep your perspective during hard times. A friend of mine has it over his/her desk right now. ------> Response 18 10/07 12:54 by Anonymous Our relationship is PERMANANTLY over, but lets keep the discussion going anyway. ------> Response 19 10/07 13:17 by Anonymous All right, let's. Your relationship is PERMANENTLY over. How come? ------> Response 20 10/07 20:06 by Anonymous Ok, If your going to be insistant about it. I've decided that its better that way. Now that I look back at it, the relationship wasn't what I thought it was. I thought she was the "right" girl, but her opinions and attitudes on personal subjects are a hell of a lot different than mine. Your probably going to ask for an example, I'd rather not give one. Since our quarrels (fights) her relationships haven't amounted to much (we still keep in touch), but I've decided to look for a more compatible girl. Also only a superficial reason is avoiding the constant hassles and pressures of our arguing. Not something I need with the rest of a college students hassles. Most importantly I feel happier now. ------> Response 21 10/07 23:06 by Anonymous No, I'm not really gonna press for an example or anything. And I agree that your happiness is the most important issue. Okay, I understand. Avoiding hassles doesn't seem too superficial to me, tho'. I've broken up for the same reason. But now and then there's one who's worth the trouble. ------> Response 22 10/14 09:53 by TRILLIAN I find the grammar of the initial note curious and the fact that no one else apparently found it so. To me it read as if your girlfriend had been raped -- that is, that she had no say in what had happened. Did she? Presuming she was not and there was mutual consent -- it is interesting that most of the respondents (with the exception of the personal experience one) seem to believe in a possessive kind of love. Must all relationships be strictly bilateral -- just the two of you and nobody else? Are you guys all strictly monogamous yourselves during a relationship? While I agree that there is a lot of pain when you discover that your lover has been loving someone else as well, I think this pain has more to do with your own feelings of self-love and self-worth than with the relationship itself. From the other's perspective, however, their feelings for you may not have changed in the least. Love -- and sex as an expression of it -- may be given to more than one other person without diminishing that given to any one. So I agree with the earlier respondent that one should consider the HUMAN motivation involved and not judge the other too quickly. ------> Response 24 10/14 12:55 BY OPUS COULD YOU PLEASE PUT THAT IN SOMETHING SIMPLE SO THAT ENGINEERS LIKE MYSELF CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE SAYING? AS FOR THE PART I UNDERSTOOD, YES I AM STRICTLY (IF I COULD UNDERLINE, I WOULD) MONOGAMOUS IN MY RELATIONSHIP, AND MAYBE THE ORIGINAL AUTHOR, LIKE MYSELF, FEELS THAT THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP A RELATIONSHIP MEANINGFUL!!! ------> Response 25 10/14 13:19 by Anonymous Hear, hear. Thanks for adding something worthwhile. It's the truth...I happen to believe that I am capable of loving more than one person, and fail to understand how it is that we human beings have decided that one-to-one is the only way. As I said, I learned a lot from that experience. ------> Response 26 10/15 18:30 by KLINE CHAS My own thoughts on the subject: To me, sex is the highest form of physical love. The Bible forbids one to copulate with any but one's spouse, i.e., it should be between two specific people. Although I am not religious and do not adhere to that rule, I believe that there is some merit behind it. If two people are serious enough about their love to want to have sex, it seems to me that fooling around or being unfaithful or whatever you want to call it is sort of a contradiction in terms. I love many things. I love my friends, my lifestyle, my job, my family, and my girlfriend. But there is a great difference between all of these. I don't love my family like I love ice cream, and I don't love my girlfriend like I love my other friends. There's a very special quality about "true love," at least to me, that makes it out of the question to consider being unfaithful to her. Comments? Criticisms? ------> Response 27 10/15 21:08 by Anonymous I see again that we are argueing the issue of monogamy vs. other forms of having relationships. That's all very well and good for you, but that isn't always enough. You see, I am fascinated by human beings and really enjoy meeting and communicating. Intercourse has many forms, and, tho' sex is one of them, it ain't the whole story. Sure, the womaan I marry will have my complete attention. She'll have to be one hell of a human being to take my attention away from the world-at-large, so I've my doubts about ever meeting her. Sex does not have to be love. I have always divided sex into two categories: making love, and, well, having sex. Having sex is pretty much an expression of lust (not a dir- ty word), and, as long as both people understand what's go- ing on, there ain't nothin' wrong with it. Then, of course, there's making love. Two different animals, entirely. Sometimes it is difficult to find the distinction, and that is often where problems form. About the word 'love'. I rarely use it. It's so damnably abused, no? However, when I do use that word, I'm talking about a very permanent sort of thing. I may break up with somebody I love, but that won't change the love one bit. It's still there, unchanged. F'rever.