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Path: utzoo!linus!security!genrad!decvax!ittvax!dcdwest!sdcsvax!sdchema!djo
From: djo@sdchema.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Love and freedom
Message-ID: <956@sdchema.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 21-Nov-83 12:52:20 EST
Article-I.D.: sdchema.956
Posted: Mon Nov 21 12:52:20 1983
Date-Received: Wed, 23-Nov-83 04:27:45 EST
References: <3869@rochester.UUCP>
Organization: U.C. San Diego, Chemistry Dept. Administration
Lines: 27

I do not think one person should try to change another
(friend or lover) unless it has been discussed and agreed
upon by both parties.  So my answer to both of Mike's
questions is whatever is agreed upon to change.  For
example when I was younger I found it very hard to speak
my opinions.  My boyfriend and I discussed this reticence
and decided that he would make extra effort to "draw me out"
and I would not withdraw but respond vocally in those
situations.  This became an ongoing personal improvement
program for me.  Sometimes I would be frustrated and even
angry at the situations he would put me in but we persevered
and I have become better able to express myself in many
different ways.  Currently, I have a friend that bites his
fingers.  He would like to stop.  We decided that I may do
whatever I like to get him to stop.  I have his permission to
slap his hands or give him a swift kick if I catch him biting.
Usually I rely on a dirty look to do the trick.  Without the
initial agreement that we are BOTH working on this change I
don't think it would work.  So, my suggestion about where to
draw the line in changing another person is where the other
person wants it to be drawn.  No one changes unless they
want to inside themselves first.  Helpful friends can only
help after that fact.

Denise O'Jibway - La Jolla, California
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