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Path: utzoo!linus!security!genrad!decvax!duke!phs!keesan@bbncca.ARPA (Morris Keesan)
From: keesan@bbncca.ARPA
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Later lovers
Message-ID: <344@bbncca.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 23-Nov-83 18:07:00 EST
Article-I.D.: bbncca.344
Posted: Wed Nov 23 18:07:00 1983
Date-Received: Sun, 27-Nov-83 03:32:35 EST
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Path:duke!decvax!bbncca!keesan
Message-ID:<344@bbncca.ARPA>
Date:Wed, 23-Nov-83 18:07:00 EST
Organization:Bolt, Beranek and Newman, Cambridge, Ma.

-------------------------------
Well, perhaps this may be affected by being married, but I've never found it
to be a problem.  I think this is because my wife and I have a sufficiently
stable relationship (and had one even before we were married) that neither one
of us has felt threatened by other people.  Also, things are helped by the
"other" person being in a stable relationship.  I can think of several instances
of one of us meeting ex-lovers of the other, and no particular problems.

    The first case involves person "A", who I knew and was friendly with for
several years before either of us met the woman who is now my wife.  We met
her around the same time, in roughly the same circumstances (an activity all
three of us were involved in), and were both interested in her.  However,
since I'm extremely slow, cautious, and shy about such things, "A" developed
a relationship with her first, and I, under the misapprehension that they had
an exclusive relationship, kept "hands off", while remaining platonic friends
with all parties.  A year or so later, I discovered that the relationship I
thought was exclusive was not (my wife says she practically had to hit me over
the head to make me see this), and for a while both of us were dating her.
Eventually she broke up with "A", he got involved with someone else ("B"),
I got married, and "A" and "B" started living together.  They now live about
half a mile from us, and we socialize frequently.  I've never felt at all
uncomfortable with any of the people involved, although my wife says she felt
a little funny the first couple of times the four of us went out together.

    Then there was the time an ex-girlfriend of mine, my first-ever girlfriend,
as a matter of fact, was in town for a few days, and some mutual friends
invited my wife and I and a few others over to catch up on old times.  My
wife's reaction was slight initial discomfort, because she wasn't sure how
to react with this woman, given that their only connection was through me, but
things relaxed very quickly.  Again, no jealousy, maybe partly because the
ex-girlfriend in question was several months pregnant at the time.  The
strangest part of that incident was being dragged home to meet ex-girlfriend's
mother, who had always liked me and wanted to see me again, meet my wife, etc.

    Other ex-lovers of both of ours are currently friends of both.  I guess
we've both been fortunate in avoiding messy breakups.  One ex-lover of mine
(and friend of both of ours, by then) was an attendant at our wedding -- she
held up a corner of our chupah.  My wife's ex-lover who we had asked to hold
another corner was unfortunately unable to attend.

    The woman who "got my cherry" is currently involved with another woman,
and we're all friends.  We invited the two of them two our wedding as a couple.
The ex-lover (also a friend of mine) of the other woman, on the other hand,
took the whole thing quite badly, and can't stand to be in the same room as
either woman.

    Well, that's enough rambling for now.  I draw no conclusions from any of
this.  I was just answering a simple question and got carried away.

					    Morris M. Keesan
					    {decvax,linus,wjh12}!bbncca!keesan