Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site gatech.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!floyd!clyde!akgua!gatech!spaf From: spaf@gatech.UUCP Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Later lovers - (nf) Message-ID: <2483@gatech.UUCP> Date: Sun, 27-Nov-83 15:43:39 EST Article-I.D.: gatech.2483 Posted: Sun Nov 27 15:43:39 1983 Date-Received: Mon, 28-Nov-83 06:12:52 EST References: <3940@uiucdcs.UUCP> Organization: Georgia Tech School of ICS, Atlanta Lines: 113 Hmmm...an interesting question, and often an interesting situation. Actually, this is related to one other situation: meeting one of your own ex-flames. I may dump core a bit on this.... I think that the way you react to either is based on your current feelings towards the person you are/were involved with. In the case of former loves of your own, it is based on your feelings for them after all that happened in the parting -- affection, hurt, concern, bitternes, longing, whatever. In the case of meeting ex-lovers of your current, it is a matter of how secure you feel in the current relationship, and how much you trust that current relationship. A little over a month ago I spent a weekend with a former love and her husband. It was a very pleasant experience. Interesting too -- they have been married for 3 years and this was the first time I had met him. Also, she is about 6 months pregnant with their first child...not quite the image of her I've been carrying around for years. Basically, it was an incredibly nice weekend. I like him and can see they are very happy together. We talked about some old friends and the like, but were more or less careful of what topics we got into; there was no real tension, however. I think all of us are fairly convinced that everything has worked out for the best for all of us. I know I am. I still love her very much, but I'm glad she and I didn't stay together as anything other than what we have. Another former love and I go out to dinner every once and a while, or go shopping together. We were friends before we got involved, and we still manage to find a lot that we enjoy doing together, although anything beyond an occasional few hours together is painful in an odd sort of way. It's sort of like knowing someone so well you don't always tread lightly in comments or actions -- like dealing with a brother or sister. Two very intense extroverts don't make a stable relationship, it seems. That's why we broke up. I'm not ready to deal with anything like even a casual conversation with the significant other in my last relationship; I don't know if I ever will be. I got hurt there more than I thought I could be. I've had stormy partings, but this was my first experience with someone lying to me and claiming to care while twisting the knife with apparent unconcern. I suppose I would simply turn and walk away without comment should I meet this person.... The pain involved comes from still being madly in love with the image and being forced to realize that the person changed so much -- or maybe was fooling me from the very start. And that the person there now doesn't care at all. I guess those kind of typify the spectrum of feelings possible. There is no one from my past whom I do not still love. In that respect I can never feel uneffected by an encounter. I will always feel some curiousity and concern about them and their lives no matter was has happened. Okay, so we acknowledge that such feelings are present in ourselves, surely they may be present in our current loves. Therefore, how do we treat their contact with their former loves? I'm usually not too concerned by it since I've found that jealousy and fear are pretty much a waste. Just don't do anything to encourage comparisons, if you can help it. Treat them as you would have your ex-lovers treated -- with respect. At one time they occupied the position you now occupy -- think how you would like to be treated if your current situation were to change. In at least two situations I have been good friends with or became friends with somebody who was a former romance of one of my loves. In both cases they have remained good friends, sometimes keeping in closer contact than the woman involved. We never developed the feeling of competetion that seems to shadow such relationships. And we have a lot in common (which is probably why we got involved with the same women) which helps to build a friendship. In my last relationship, I ran into a number of my girlfriend's ex-lovers, either in person or in stories. In fact, one ex-boyfriend of hers was a student of mine. Sometimes it bothered me a little bit when I met yet another guy or heard yet another name in a story, but most of the time I kept the attitude of "Hey, they lost. I'm here now." I thought things were pretty secure (ha!). It didn't bother me if she went out places with any of them. One cannot afford to get too hung up about such situations, especially in an environment where they take some of the same classes and belong to some of the same organizations. Much of the time, the ones I met seemed apprehensive about talking to me and so I really never developed anything other than a nodding acquiantance with them. There came a time, however, when the stories always were brought up in such a way or such a context so that I was compared to somebody -- and lost. That's when such stories and meetings begin to make me apprehensive. How can you compete against memories and stories? It was part of an over-all campaign of little digs and hurts that eventually got to me. It sure illustrated one point for me -- if I ever want any romantic interest of mine to not be jealous of former lovers, I sure won't ever bring up old stories and say things like "She was the most exciting woman I ever out with." No major conclusions from all of this. Just the simple statement that it is often best to try to treat others the way you would like to be treated under the same circumstances. That isn't always possible, but it is worth trying. Then too, being positive about your relationship does more to keep it together than feeling insecure or making comparisons. And both people need to minimize the feeling of threat in such circumstances. Sorry if this rambled on. Someone did ask for comments and experiences... Currently more single than I'd like, -- Off the Wall of Gene Spafford School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf