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From: peters@cubsvax.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Two jokes from the Bronx
Message-ID: <126@cubsvax.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 20-Dec-83 18:57:28 EST
Article-I.D.: cubsvax.126
Posted: Tue Dec 20 18:57:28 1983
Date-Received: Fri, 23-Dec-83 01:46:16 EST
Organization: Columbia Univ Biology, New York City
Lines: 47

OK, here's the first one:

A young man brought his girlfriend home for the first time to meet his
family.  Eventually the young woman felt the need to use the toilet,
but was mortified to discover that it shared a wall with the living
room in which her hosts were seated;  in these old Bronx apartments,
you can hear every noise through the wall, and she felt embarassed that her
possible in-laws-to-be would hear hers.  So, to mask any sounds, she
turned on the taps in the sink full blast.  Since she wasn't sure this
would be enough, she also turned on the shower and the bath.  And
to make triply sure, she flushed the toilet continuously as she used
it.

Later, after the young man had returned from taking his girlfriend home,
he asked his mother, "Well, how did you like her?" She replied,
"She's a very nice girl, but she pisses like an elephant!"


AND, here's the second one:

Irving was nervous about his first date ever, with Sadie.  His father,
seeing this, decided to give him good advice:  "If you're ever un-
comfortable on a date, and can't think of anything to say, just remember the
three f's -- food, family, and filosophy -- and you'll never be at a loss
for words." 

So, later on, at the restaurant with Sadie, Irving was doing well until
he placed their order.  When the waiter disappeared, Irving all of
a sudden realized he couldn't think of anything to say.  Frantically,
he recalled his father's advice:  of course! the three f's! food,
family and filosophy!  So he said, "Uh, Sadie, do you like noodles?"
Came the reply, "No."  Fortunately the awkward silence was broken by
the waiter bearing bowls of soup.

So things were fine until the soup bowls were taken, whereupon ensued the 
second of several awkward silences (three, if you must know) that would
afflict Irving this evening.  Once again, Irving recalled his dear father's
advice: the three f's!  food, family and filosophy!  So he asked, "Uh,
Sadie, do you by any chance have a brother?"  Once again the reply, "No."
Fortunately, the waiter appeared just then with the main course, absolving
Irving of the need for discourse.

Again, things were fine till the table was cleared, and once again Irving
felt an awkward silence descending as they waited for dessert and coffee.
Once again, too, Irving recalled his father's advice:  the three f's!  So
he asked, "Uh, Sadie, IF you had a brother, WOULD he like noodles?"