Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 (Tek) 9/26/83; site azure.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!tektronix!azure!eugenez From: eugenez@azure.UUCP (Eugene Zinter) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Relationships and Later Lovers Message-ID: <2415@azure.UUCP> Date: Thu, 8-Dec-83 15:21:12 EST Article-I.D.: azure.2415 Posted: Thu Dec 8 15:21:12 1983 Date-Received: Sun, 11-Dec-83 00:58:34 EST Organization: Tektronix, Beaverton OR Lines: 124 To: tektronix!decvax!genrad!grkermit!masscomp!clyde!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!uiucuxc!kline Cc: eugenez Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: Relationships and Later lovers - (nf) Some thoughts, partly in response to Charley Kline's letter (U of I CSO): How would a woman feel if you didn't CARE if you lost Her to another man? That it wouldn't really BOTHER you. I think such an attitude would BOTHER most women. I think a certain amount of "possessiveness" is a MUST in a relationship. It means that you CARE a lot about Her and that losing Her would really bomb you out. And that She wasn't JUST another "fish in the sea". Don't women care that a guy wants to go out with Her and ONLY Her? Doesn't it matter to Her that, in your eyes, She is the only ONE in your life? That She can be assured that you aren't trying to SCORE with every other female around when She isn't with you? I'm again sure such things matter a LOT to most women. Of course, I am speaking of truly meaningful relationships --- not casual "fun runs". No need for flames for non-meaningful relationships here. I fear some people reason something like: "When you are "done" with one woman/man, you JUST go pick another. After all, there are a lot of them, aren't there?? No need to ever worry about the supply. And why bother WASTING time caring to make a relationship work if things don't work out EXACTLY like YOU want, WHEN you want--just throw him/her away and pick another." PEOPLE ARE NOT APPLES---they are each very unique. And they have feelings. And responsibilities---both to themselves and others. With me, having a true relationship with a woman has immeasurable value. For such a relationship just can't be equated to MONEY or MATERIAL things. Simply stated, a meaningful relationship between myself and a woman is priceless to me and I act as such. But the kind of "possessiveness" I'm thinking of doesn't mean that you SMOTHER Her, that you don't let Her do anything without you, that you IMPRISON Her to the point where She MUST ESCAPE from your PRISON. Maybe there is a better word for the possessiveness I'm thinking about. Perhaps it's the ability to show Her that you REALLY CARE---enough to place Her above all others, and thus, wanting and needing ONLY Her. But if you truly LOVE and CARE for another and show this earnestly without RADICAL possession, jealousy, etc. maybe, JUST maybe you will ATTRACT that person to you. After all, aren't there certain people you just like to be with because of their character, etc.? So instead of trying to imprison a woman, why not become the type of person that SHE would LOVE to be with!! If I went out with a woman who didn't seem to care if it was me or any one of 59 (Heinz variety's) other guys, I don't think the relationship would have ANY meaning. And I'm quite certain it goes the other direction too. What you were saying about "s/he's in good hands now"---when you lose that loved one to another is pretty natural. I think everyone hurts when it happens (breaking up). This "good hands saying" is JUST something for you to think to help make you feel better about the whole thing. ******************************************************************* * But remember this, She or He MAY NOT be in good hands. * ******************************************************************* It is VERY important to realize this. I have seen a lot of smooth talking SNAKES "steal" someone's girl/boy friend and quite often just to use that girl/boy friend as another conquest (mainly for sexual purposes). It usually doesn't take long for a person to get wise and dump the SNAKE. If this is your situation, you should be around to help pick up the pieces. Perhaps She will see the REAL value in having you as a REAL friend and maybe even forming a new, much more lasting and meaningful relationship. I think it is good to keep some sort of a good relationship with someone you break up with. It shows you are mature and, who knows, just that one asset may make you FAR more desirable. Those who hate or act badly towards their ex-lover just cause LARGER gaps in whatever relationship they may still have. And who wants to be around such a person anyway? I, personally, prefer a girlfriend to be my a VERY good friend, if not my BEST one. And I sure agree with someone on the net (Mr. Anderson) that there is a BIG difference between "having sex" and "making love WITH a woman". I heard a tune once that went something like this: "Don't want to get to know you any better, just want you now." Perhaps that is part of the problem with pure sexual relationships. But maybe some men prefer to not want to get to know a woman first (say, as a real friend), but rather want sex now. But I don't know much about that subject. I suppose this can apply the other direction too. Maybe some women on the net can give their viewpoints on this? Some people on the net wonder what a guy thinks when a woman asks HIM out for a date. It might be fun to know---such a thing has never happened to me. Being shy, I'm sure my first reaction would be embarrassment (my natural response), but I think otherwise it would be pretty neat. I CERTAINLY wouldn't eye the woman as though She were crazy. Well, this is my first letter to net.singles (and I AM single) and so just couldn't resist responding and hope I haven't unintentionally insulted anyone. ECZ PS Woman stands for one adult female PERSON and Women stands for 2 or more adult female PERSONS.