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From: zben@umcp-cs.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.women,net.singles
Subject: Re: relevancy of this topic to net.women
Message-ID: <4452@umcp-cs.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 16-Dec-83 11:22:36 EST
Article-I.D.: umcp-cs.4452
Posted: Fri Dec 16 11:22:36 1983
Date-Received: Sun, 18-Dec-83 03:12:16 EST
Organization: Univ. of Maryland, Computer Science Dept.
Lines: 82

. <-- Nigel to the rescue

   Article-I.D.: umcp-cs.4446
   I guess the solution is to ask people who have been ask-ee and ask-er
   approximately equally, which position they think has the most power.  

I think the problem lies right here: these things should not be thought
of in terms of power.  One goes out with someone else to have a good time;
a good time cannot be had if there are overtones of power-wielding or
sexual tension to get in the way.

I wish I could solve my particular problem: how to keep the number of
significant MOTOS odd.  Like one.  Seems to me it is always either zero
or two; both of which situations have their own unique problems.  I
suspect there is a hysteresis effect going on here - when rho motos is
zero I am unhappy and unattractive, when rho motos is one I become happy
enough to attract another, bumping the number to two.  For the record,
I almost *never* ask women out, they always ask me.  Could make a pretty
penny if I could bottle it, but instead of trying to make a buck by
writing a book, I am going to prove my philanthropy by providing it free:

    Be loose and mellow.  Try to give the impression that even if the
    night doesn't end up in bed that will be just fine.  This is probably
    the most important point I will make.

    Be witty.  Try to understand your date's sense of humor and tailor
    your wittiness to fit.  A good sense of humor is high on most women's
    list of attractive qualities.  Do *not* tell dirty jokes unless and
    until she has indicated an interest (like by telling one of her own).
    Some women like them, some don't.  People are different, ya know.

    Don't try to dominate, but always be ready to take the initiative
    when she signals she wants you to.  This goes from deciding where
    you are going to go through who orders in a restaurant (don't jump
    in and order for her, but be ready, if she requests, to order for
    her).  Most women like some amount of organization, so be ready with
    a plan of interesting things to do on your date.  But, to change her
    mind is always a women's prerogative, and women seem to like some
    amount of sponteneity, so be ready to drop all your plans and do
    what *she* wants to do tonight.

    Be sensitive rather than macho.  Try to be more like Alan Alda that
    John Wayne.  Quiche actually is edible (as opposed to grits :-) ).
    Unconditional positive reinforcement is very important here.  All
    people get depressed sometimes; if you can become part of her support
    network that can go a long way.

    Cultivate an understanding of body language.  Its not really that hard.
    At the end of this item I will put a list of books on the subject that
    I have found very useful.  Women sometimes accuse me of being able to
    read minds.  What I am actually doing is reading body language; with
    that ability and some understanding of the person's personality you
    really can get some understanding of what is going on in that person's
    mind.

    Above all remember that your date is a person, just like you, and not
    an object to be persued or trapped.  Far too many people love objects
    and use people.  The truly sensitive man loves people and uses objects.

Yeah, I know this is all mom and apple pie; but there are so many lonely
guys out there (lonely gals, too) and I really feel for them.  So this is
just some random thoughts on what they should do to get themselves together.
I welcome comments and flames from both men and women, even though I might
be a dinosaur I can still learn...

    The body language of sex, power, and aggression
    Julius Fast, 1978, Jove/HBJ Y4443  $1.95  LC 76-47665
    [bit of a sexist title, but some useful information]

    How to read a person like a book
    Gerald I. Nierenberg, 1973, Pocket Books 671-78593-1 LC 76-158034

    Meta-talk (guide to hidden meanings in conversation)
    Gerald I. Nierenberg and Henry H. Calero, 1975
    Pocket Books 671-78879-5 LC 73-82875

Oh yes, I almost forgot:

    "If you can't love yourself, how can you be in love with someone else?"
    [lyric by the Butts band, what became of Doors when Morrison died]

Ben Cranston          ...seismo!umcp-cs!zben          zben@umd2.ARPA