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Path: utzoo!linus!security!genrad!grkermit!masscomp!clyde!floyd!whuxle!pyuxll!abnjh!lute
From: lute@abnjh.UUCP (J. Collymore)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re:  Trying to Hard
Message-ID: <329@abnjh.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 20-Dec-83 14:27:50 EST
Article-I.D.: abnjh.329
Posted: Tue Dec 20 14:27:50 1983
Date-Received: Thu, 22-Dec-83 04:47:29 EST
Organization: ATTIS, NJ
Lines: 49



I tried posting this yesterday, and for some reason it never got posted, so
I will post an abbreviated version today.

In one of Denise's examples she mentions her experience with the fellow who
asked her out to dinner on a weeknight.  She says in the article she is busy
most weeknights, but that she would really like to go to dinner with this
fellow on a night she isn't busy.  However, this is never mentioned to the
man involved  asking her out, and when she says she is unavailable one night,
he then proceeds to ask her out (in sequence) for the following nights 
(obviously hoping to hit on a night that she is free).  This leads to a total
breakdown of interest by both parties, and what could have been an enjoyable
event, now, never even comes into existance.

I have gone through this before too, and this sad event is caused primarily
by the woman not taking the initiative after the man has thrown the ball into
her court.  It is necessary for most women to realize that once they are
asked out, they have a responsibility for taking an active part in the outcome
of the proposed date.  Their reaction can take the form of either:  an
acceptance of the man's advance, a rejection of the man's advance, or the
offering of an option.

In this example, listing reasons why each night was not good, was taken as
an avoidance of the date.  This equates down to an INDIRECT rejection, hence
the man said:  "Oh, I got it." and hung up.  The response of any person
(male or female) to an indirect rejection is to accept it as a direct one,
and simply stop pursuing the seemingly uninterested party.

What Denise (or any woman in this situation) SHOULD have done was say:
"I'm very busy weeknights, but how about if we go late Saturday afternoon?"
This would have saved him the embarrassment of running through the various
weeknights, and Denise from listing why each night was no good.  By presenting
the man with an OPTION (e.g. Saturday afterrnoon), she quickly would have
communicated:  "Yes, I'm really busy, but I'd still like to see you." without
having to come out and say it.  Both parties would then have had the assurance
that the other was interested in them, and something to look forward to at
the end of the week.  (i.e.  She knows he's interested by the very fact that
he took the initiative in asking her out, he knows she's interested by the
fact that she offered a specific time she would be available in her busy
week to see him.  REMEMBER, COMMUNICATION IS NOT JUST CARRIED IN THE BARE
MEANINGS OF WORDS, BUT ALSO THEIR UNDERLYING IMPLICATIONS.)

So women, remember, if you are interested in having men enter your lives
you should be prepared, when immediate acceptance of a date isn't possible,
AT LEAST to offer him options.


					Jim Collymore