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From: lute@abnjh.UUCP (J. Collymore)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: The Other Side of the Fence
Message-ID: <340@abnjh.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 27-Dec-83 11:01:37 EST
Article-I.D.: abnjh.340
Posted: Tue Dec 27 11:01:37 1983
Date-Received: Thu, 29-Dec-83 01:01:16 EST
Organization: ATTIS, NJ
Lines: 59


I wrote about this in my college student paper back in 1974, but I'll
summarize and repeat it because it seems very appropriate once again.

Men and women have a problem realizing that, in courtship, neither side has an
absolute advantage over the other.  Unfortunately, few of either sex take the
time and risk to understand the other side's concerns; not from an
intellectual standpoint, and rarely from an experiential standpoint.

Let's look at life from the woman's point of view.  Women have two problems
that they have to deal with that men rarely do.

1)	Waiting for a MOTOS to make the first move.  Because of societal
	training, women are told to wait for a man to make VISIBLE signs of
	interest before they show (sometimes any) interest.  However, this
	can be very frustrating when a woman is very intrested in a man and
	no matter how attractive she tries to make herself, or tries to make
	excuses to be near the man's haunts, he doesn't notice her.  It can
	hurt even more when the man chooses another woman (i.e. woman #2), and
	woman #1 is made to feel that the man didn't even acknowledge her
	existence as a potential partner.

2)	Turning down a man who is a nice person without hurting his feelings.
	Telling another person who obviously cares about you that you do not
	care for them (or in the same way) is very difficult, if you:  don't
	want to hurt their feelings, or you don't want to see yourself in the
	role of villain.  It's like being caught between "a rock and a hard
	place."

These two situations few men have to go through in life because of our
social/sexual double-standards.  However, because of these same double
standards, there are two situations that women don't often go through.

1)	Having to make "the first move."  Having to always be the one to
	initially show that you are the interested party is very stressful.
	The stress of figuring how to approach the woman, when, where, what
	to say, tone of voice, etc. causes a great deal of bodily distress.
	However, not being willing to conform and be "aggressive" can lead
	to loneliness, peers (men and women) deriding one's "manhood," etc.
	The most sorry thing about this situation is that although a man may
	date, and eventually marry, being pressured to make the first move
	will occur throughout most of his life (e.g. think of a place to go
	for dinner, kissing, making love, etc.).

2)	Facing rejection.  If you are going to be in a position to allow
	another person to make a decision concerning you, you must be
	prepared (more often than you think you can bear) for them to say "no."
	Fear of rejection, coupled with the above, make the stress sometimes
	unbearable.  (Ever felt like running to the bathroom when you're
	about to ask someone out on a date?)  

(With these two factors, and our preoccupation with finding a "partner"
throughout most of our lives, I wonder if it's really just work-related
stress that shortens men's life spans.)

Anyway, the above remarks are something for all men and women to think about.


					Jim Collymore