Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 exptools 1/6/84; site ihldt.UUCP
Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!seismo!harpo!ihnp4!ihldt!tmh
From: tmh@ihldt.UUCP (Tom Harris)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: re: am I an alien
Message-ID: <2194@ihldt.UUCP>
Date: Mon, 16-Jan-84 13:41:17 EST
Article-I.D.: ihldt.2194
Posted: Mon Jan 16 13:41:17 1984
Date-Received: Tue, 17-Jan-84 02:49:22 EST
Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Naperville, IL
Lines: 71

1. Unusual sleep or work patterns (the length of their home planet's day
   may differ from Earth's)
Check, I am almost always the first one at work.

2. Psychological or physical reaction when near "high-tech hardware
   that radiates electromagnetic waves"
Check, when ever I stick my finger in an electric socket my hair stands
on end.  I frequently curse the %$#&*! machine, too.

3. Anxiety when using primitive Earth transportation (they're used to
   safe transportation on their home planet)
Check, I live in a major metropolitan area I definately have the jitters
when driving around here.

4. Constantly gathering information (buying newspapers, magazines,
   foreign language courses, to aid them in gathering information
   about Earth)
Check, I subscribe to the local daily.  I subscribe or buy every issue of
at least 5 periodicals.  I have taken couses in Spainish and
Modern Greek.  I also have an enourmous number of books (most
centered on Historical subjects).

5. Owning lots of high-tech hardware, e.g. computers (needed to help
   them gather information etc.)
Possibly, I own very little high tech hardware (unless you consider my
Simon game), however working at the labs gives me access to
bunches of it (I have a work terminal at home).

6. Not knowing how to use everyday items (would *you* know how to use
   everyday items on an alien planet? :->)
Check, my wife won't let me run the dishwasher (one simple
mistake ... I mean how was I to know that Dawn wasn't an acceptable
substatue for Cascade).  

7. Poor interior decorating (I guess *Better Homes and Gardens*
   isn't one of the magazines they buy (see (4)) :->)
Check, my wife won't let me do any of that either.  I don't blame
her my room is done in early diaster area.

8. Keeping an unusual, highly protected object in the home (possibly
   a device for communicating with fellow aliens)
Check here too, I have an 1861 pattern Colt navy revolver that I
am fond of (not to mention my Brown Bess and Charleville).  All
three of which would be most effective communicators (although I
must admit the communication would be some what limited and one
sided).   I also have a Croix de Guerre and a Campaign Ribbon
(with battle honors) from WWI that I am very fond of (they were my
Granadfather's).  I have a collection of several thousand
minatures of which I'm highly protective (but then I have an 18
month old daughter who would love to get at them).  I also keep my
subspace radio, my electronic thumb and a book with the word's
"Don't Panic" written in large letters around (I also store plenty
of towels).

One other thing: In the American Heritage Picture History of the
Civil War (available in most bookstores it has a silver cover and
has the words Bruce Catton in big blue letters under the cover) my
picture appears on page 563? (or there abouts it is part of the
coverage of the Battle of Frederick Tennessee on November 30, 1864
my name was Hiram Granbury).  This means I am over 120 years old.
There is a Greek Statue that dates from about 800 B.C. that bears a
stong resemblence, too.

All in all it looks like I definately am an alien.  So take me to
your leader.  I'll personally see to this Golden Age bit (it'll
only cost about twice the gold in Fort Knox for my services (well
at least it will be a Golden Age (literally) for me)).

			Hang by your pseudopod, write if you find
			a warm rich planet ripe for conquest,
				Tom Harris (Othyem Derch)