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Path: utzoo!linus!bbncca!wdoherty
From: wdoherty@bbncca.ARPA (Will Doherty)
Newsgroups: net.motss
Subject: Re: Reply to "Tinkerbelle"
Message-ID: <477@bbncca.ARPA>
Date: Sat, 14-Jan-84 18:56:18 EST
Article-I.D.: bbncca.477
Posted: Sat Jan 14 18:56:18 1984
Date-Received: Sun, 15-Jan-84 01:30:32 EST
References: <2227@fortune.UUCP>
Organization: Bolt, Beranek and Newman, Cambridge, Ma.
Lines: 87

Dear John Crane,

I believe that "somebody's sexual orientation" is important not only
because I may want to have sex with them, as you suggest, but 
because I want to know whether they will have some idea of how to
treat me as a person, despite the fact that I enjoy sex with motss.
I feel that gay people, at least the gay people I have met, have a
greater understanding of the ways that people oppress each other.

I try not to oppress other people by my words, my actions.  I seek
to learn from people who believe I am acting in an oppressive way,
especially if they are willing to spend the time to explain to me,
in an understanding and constructive way, what they mean.

I don't feel that people should have to state their sexual
orientation to be on the net, I just wish we lived in a society
where they didn't have to feel afraid to live their lives as their
sexuality directs them.

In your comments about "Gay" people (I don't know why it is
capitalized), you use the generic "he."  I believe that since gay
people may be female or male, a more appropriate pronoun 
reference could be found (you may wish to try the plural form,
for instance).

I would not "tell your 85-year-old grandmother who is on her death
bed that you are Gay, just to prove you are brave and fearless."
This is not an issue of bravery or fearlessness.  This is an issue
of living one's life with dignity in a society which denies a
significant part of one's life.  I do, in fact, wish to share 
knowledge of my sexuality with my grandmother, but I do not wish to
trouble her with the difficulties she might think I would face.
I have explained to my parents that I am gay and, as time goes on,
they become more and more comfortable with my sexuality.  Because
they love me, they have taken the time to learn about a sexuality
which is different than their own.  The more they learn, the more
comfortable they have become and the less they worry about the
societal problems I may encounter.

When I went to Rochester, NY, for the holiday season, a lover named
Mike spent a few days at my parents house.  He shared my life and that of
my family as any cherished guest might have done.  My parents
showed us both to the same guest room for our visit.  I am proud
of my parents and I'm glad I "came out" to them.  We were distant
for a long time because I was worried about how they would handle
it.  Now, we are closer than ever before.

I guess in some ways I am "homohomophobic."  I don't believe that
I should always have to tolerate homophobic follies.  Just as you
don't believe that you should have to tolerate people who accost
you when you walk down the street (I assume).

I do not think that I should "hate" someone just because they "hate"
me, especially in the case of homophobia.  In fact, I spend a lot
of time dealing with people who are trying to understand the issue.
But if someone spits in your face on a day when you're a bit tired
because you've been working hard to pay the rent, I don't believe 
you have an obligation to stop and sweettalk the person.  Sometimes,
I just have other priorities in my life.

I appreciate your advice about making friends.  I try to be tactful.
I must be fairly tactful, because I seem to have no shortage of
friends.

I still stand by what I said earlier.  "Lance" may describe me as
whatever he chooses, but I don't have to sit here and tolerate it.
Normally, I don't describe someone as "arrogant and wrong" in the
interests of tact, even though that is basically what I continue
to feel about what he said.  In general, I do try to "disagree without
being disagreeable," but sometimes, in the interests of honesty,
one may use stronger words.  Honesty, to me, may sometimes require
greater attention than tact.

As far as inherent racism, sexism, and homophobia--
Yes, I believe that these creatures exist, perhaps even with some
genetic basis, though primarily a cultural basis, in all human
beings, or at least in all that I have ever known or read about.
If someone commits "isolated acts that may seem 'racist' or 'sexist,'
to other people," even if they are not so intended, they may still,
in fact be 'racist' or 'sexist.'  An obvious example would be the
contention of some southerners (and others) that black people are
less intelligent than white people (without any substantial evidence).
They don't believe they're racist; they think they're just plain right.
But I think they're racist--how about you?

				Will Doherty
				decvax!bbncca!wdoherty