Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site gatech.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!genrad!grkermit!masscomp!clyde!akgua!gatech!spaf From: spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: The Other Side of the Fence Message-ID: <3082@gatech.UUCP> Date: Tue, 3-Jan-84 01:30:17 EST Article-I.D.: gatech.3082 Posted: Tue Jan 3 01:30:17 1984 Date-Received: Wed, 4-Jan-84 02:58:52 EST References: <340@abnjh.UUCP>, <3079@gatech.UUCP>, <232@ihuxu.UUCP> Organization: Georgia Tech School of ICS, Atlanta Lines: 62 What is a "considerate" way for a woman to turn down a man? I can see that you might feel good if a woman let you know she was interested but was involved with someone else, busy at work, etc. But don't most women turn down men because they aren't interested in them (--> don't like them)? I don't see what a woman could say to soften that blow. Well, speaking as someone who has been turned down a (ahem) few times, I don't think that most turn-downs are caused by "don't like" but rather are caused by "not currently interested." There is a difference, and it is important. At least, for my own self-image, I refuse to believe that all those women don't like me...they just aren't interested in someone like me at the moment. That is the key to a diplomatic turn-down. I react best to something like: "Gee, I'm really [flattered,surprised] but I'm just not interested at the moment." I don't try to interpret *why* she isn't interested, but I do respect her decision. Sometimes such decisions are caused by a misunderstanding of what I am (we Vegans are more than we appear to be). So, often I point out that becoming just friends might be nice, too. I've developed some pleasant friendships that way, and they get to know me better. That way, when they turn me down later, I know it is because they really understand me. But seriously, what is it that they're not interested in? Think for a moment about how you handle a turn-down. What were you after, and what was it that was just rejected? If you find somebody interesting, there are lots of levels on which you can approach them. Let things just happen -- don't formulate hidden agendas and grand plans. And don't put a burden on the other person to entertain you. You're not usually asking someone to run away to some Caribbean isle with you, you're asking them to spend some time so you can perhaps get to know each other better. Aren't you? Check your tone of voice and attitude. And think about what it is you're asking. If you're not addressing the *person* then it isn't going to be very difficult for them to turn you down, possibly with a mite more curtness than they would use otherwise. As a kind of mental exercise, think about making an approach to that special someone you've had your eye on for some time. You get all worked up with some great suggestion that will just impress the heck out of them and make them fall madly in love(lust?) with you. Odds are, you won't be very successful. You're not really addressing the *person*, and you've already made up a mental agenda of what will happen. Now, in that same situation, if you just relax a bit and make an invitation similar to what you'd make to a new officemate of the inappropriate sex (like: "Hey, wanna go get a hot dog and get acquainted?"), then you are less likely to get turned down, and at least you are on the way to formulating some kind of relationship based on "person". Less tension all the way around, and less pressure means less importance is attached to an acceptance. Or a turn-down. If I'm so smart, how come I can't get a date? -- Off the Wall of Gene Spafford School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf