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From: aeq@pucc-h (Sargent)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: 1. What if s/he accepts?  2. Why on earth am I attracted to HER?
Message-ID: <435@pucc-h>
Date: Tue, 10-Jan-84 19:03:19 EST
Article-I.D.: pucc-h.435
Posted: Tue Jan 10 19:03:19 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 12-Jan-84 00:35:53 EST
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Lines: 51

The first subject of this article may pose what seems a dumb question, but it
really isn't; it exists on several levels.  What if one asks out an
interesting MOTAS and the MOTAS accepts, particularly more than once?  I see
three levels to the question:

1. On the first few dates, how does one judge how affectionate to be when
   saying good night (or during the date, for that matter)?  I imagine it's
   wise to err on the side of conservatism.  I also imagine it's possible
   to err too far; might the woman be disappointed (or worse) if I held back
   too much?  How does one judge, for instance, when a kiss is appropriate and
   when it's "going too far"?
2. What does one do after the first date or two?  Few of the recreational
   activities traditional on dates hold much appeal for me; most of my
   recreation (as a lone single) involves goal-oriented activities (e.g.
   reading, helping put on a play, etc.) rather than more-or-less mindless
   recreation.  When I make a date to be with an interesting woman (or, for
   that matter, with any friend of either sex), I just want to get together
   and talk, possibly over a meal and/or libations.  Do there exist women who
   are amenable to such a program?  (N.B.  I am aware that, after a relation-
   ship is well established, just being with the person is enough to make many
   otherwise uninteresting activities less uninteresting, but probably not to
   make them interesting.)
3. I've been such a lone wolf for so long (residing alone as well as lacking
   significant other [S.O.]) that I am honestly afraid of the possibly
   uncomfortable changes that might need to be made in me in order to continue
   to appeal to any S.O.; I might be initially attractive, but if a really
   nice woman got to know what a horrendous slob I am, and how selfish I am
   in many ways under my semi-pleasant exterior, she might not find me so
   appealing after all.  Changing these long-established habits could be
   beneficial (even beyond the benefit of keeping a S.O. interested) to me,
   but the process of change itself would likely be painful.

The whole point of this is:  Supposing you get something started, how do you
minimize the probability of its exploding in your face, or else slowly (and
possibly torturedly) dying away?  Am I correct in guessing that rejection
after a relationship has gone on for a while is much more painful than
rejection when one first asks a MOTAS out?

>>> Topic change <<<

What does one do when one finds oneself attracted to a MOTAS with whom one is
at least 80% sure one would not be compatible?  Yes, I know I need to continue
to psychoanalyze myself and see what hidden motives lie behind this; but this
is a young woman I've known for years and have had some sinusoidal (sometimes
strong, sometimes practically absent) feelings for during much of that time.
It would seem a shame just to allow (or force) the feelings to die without at
least telling her about them (as a compliment if nothing else); but she and I
differ so vastly (at least I think so) that I doubt we could really understand
each other too well.  Any ideas?

-- Jeff Sargent/...pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq