Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site gatech.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!security!genrad!grkermit!masscomp!clyde!akgua!gatech!spaf From: spaf@gatech.UUCP Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: The morning after?? Message-ID: <3184@gatech.UUCP> Date: Thu, 12-Jan-84 01:05:08 EST Article-I.D.: gatech.3184 Posted: Thu Jan 12 01:05:08 1984 Date-Received: Fri, 13-Jan-84 06:07:36 EST References: <2184@ihldt.UUCP> Organization: Georgia Tech School of ICS, Atlanta Lines: 105 (The questions in the original article to which I'm responding start on lines with a ">" in the first column.) > -What is the best cure for a broken heart? I'm not sure there is any full cure -- years later, it is still possible to look back with a little sadness. However, the passage of time and the feeling of progression do a lot to help erase the hurt. By progression, I mean you should do things that make you feel you are continuing to grow as a person. Don't actually let your life and world come to an end. It's tough for some people, and easy for others. But it is possible. > -Will time REALLY cure a broken heart? Only if the time is well-spent. Sitting about and bemoaning your loss doesn't help you get over it. Nor does it help fill your life with other joys and joyful pursuits. If you let the memories fade, and other memories take their place, the hurt gets less. Forgetting is not the cure, but building up stronger rememberances, and new goals is. For that, you need time. > -Can a person really establish a serious relationship after this experience? Sure. If anything, it might be easier. You are not a lesser person because you have loved and lost. If anything, you are richer, and have more to offer. It is important to realize that people are not alike, and just because someone hurt you doesn't mean everyone will. Some might, and you could be unlucky enough to run into one, but that isn't the right attitude to take. Just remember, you will be dealing with totally different people, not people who "were just like except...." > -Will engaging in another relationship help or hurt the mending process? (assuming that the "mending process" will take a while) Depends on the persons involved. "Rebound" relationships seem to have a negative indication associated with them, at least amongst my peers. Until you can stand on your own, and be your own strong self, you really will have difficulty building a healthy relationship. On the other hand, a brief fling (which might develop into more) certainly has a way of overlaying your old memories and sorrows. If you end up hurting another person you were using as "first aid," you may just hurt yourself. And if it's likely to turn into something profound, wouldn't it be nice if the other person had no doubts about why you got involved with them in the first place? Just be sure you understand your motives, that's all. > -How do you prevent this experience from affecting future relationships? It will always affect future relationships, in some manner. The way to keep it from having a negative effect is to remember that everyone is different, and just because someone you knew behaved in certain ways and liked certain things is no basis for making any conclusions about the next person. Treat them as an individual, and treat them well. > -How do you convince a person that LOVE is worth trying again? Ah, love. If you've really experienced it once, how could you possibly ever wish to avoid it? Of course it's worth trying again! And again! It's like riding a bicycle, I suppose -- you have to fall down a number of times and skin your knees. But if you get up and try again, eventually you learn. If you stop trying, you never gain the freedom or the joy. It takes an awful lot of effort to reject love when it comes looking for you. Instead, don't go looking for it nor should you close you heart to it. When you are ready and your heart has healed, it will find you, again. And you will wonder how you could have ever asked the question in the first place. Spaf's advice on dealing with a breakup: 1) Feel sorry for yourself. Actually wallow in your self-pity. But only for a few days. After that, you become annoying to the people around you and you just prolong your condition. But spend a little while to get it out of your system. 2) Get yourself a puppy or a kitten (or 2 or 3!). Having something/someone to care about, and which/who depends on you, and is affectionate for no other reason than the fact you're a nice person is one of the best therapies around. Buy one for a friend in emotional need. 3) Do something you've wanted to do for some time. Start an exercise program. Take some night classes. Some of the more traditional approaches to martial arts or yoga are helpful, because you get some exercise and you also learn how to relax and meditate. Exercise is highly recommended (see you doctor, first). 4) Avoid alcohol and drugs. If you're currently on any kind of medication, find out if it has any side effects. I lost about 3 months out of my life after a breakup because I didn't realize the medication I was taking was also a mild depressant. 5) Think of your friends. If they care for you, it's because of who you are. And they're still there. You aren't any less lovable as a result of what happened. 6) Don't push too hard trying to find a replacement. You'll only hurt yourself more. Wait a while until you're able to function from a position of emotional strength. Enjoy the lessening of responsibilities for a while. Renew acquaintances with old friends you let lapse because you spent so much time with that other person. Sorry I've rambled on so. I've pulled through a couple of breakups, and each time I've hurt. And each time I've lived. And I still believe in love. Now if only I could find someone who appreciated me, I'd try it all again. -- Off the Wall of Gene Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf