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Path: utzoo!utcsstat!laura
From: laura@utcsstat.UUCP (Laura Creighton)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: getting over it... - (nf)
Message-ID: <1651@utcsstat.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 14-Jan-84 07:46:31 EST
Article-I.D.: utcsstat.1651
Posted: Sat Jan 14 07:46:31 1984
Date-Received: Sat, 14-Jan-84 08:15:03 EST
References: <1379@pur-ee.UUCP>
Organization: U. of Toronto, Canada
Lines: 92

Here is Laura Creighton's cold and callous reaction to "broken hearts".

The only thing that causes a broken heart is selfishness on the part of the
person with the broken heart. This does not imply that this selfishness is
what caused the relationship to end (though it could be) or that the other
person was a saint, merely that if you have a "broken heart" then it is
your problem. (This is distinct from merely hurting, which we all do,
but real pain lasts about 20 minutes and then becomes self-pity or
something even less desirable.)

Okay, so if someone is "suffering from a broken heart" what they are
actually believing (though possibly not understanding) is:

	"Oh I am so upset and miserable. I wanted the other to
	behave in such and such a way, and they didn't. Now
	how can I ever trust anybody again? Pity me."

This, folks, is real loaded. First of all it implies that it is
real good to enter into a relationship with a trunk full of wants
that the other person is expected to fulfill. Indeed, many people
thinkt hat this is what relationships are for. Also, it implies that
you can only trust people who will give you what you want out of
life.

I do not believe that anyone has the right to make anybody else live
their lives for their sake. This is a moral belief, which I cannot
defend "rationally" -- it is based on my belief that we are all free
and damn well should act like it, which is another moral belief. if
you don't have these moral beliefs then my arguments above are likely to be 
meaningless.

Mostly as you wander through life you meet people who believe "I am
free, but you aren't -- you had better live up to my expectations or
I will suffer a broken heart." This is a heavy load, and people shove
it onto their significant others all the time. One you have landed
the significant other you can keep them there through guilt-driven
head games until they get so upset at their lack of freedom (even
if they do not understand why it is that they have no freedom) that
they pull the plug on the relationship.

Then the traditional societal reaction is to call the person who
ended the relationship a miserable slug and feel sorry for the
poor broken-hearted soul that is left. This makes it damn hard to
try to act like a free person, no? If you do so everybody will
hate you...

If you have a broken heart for more than 20 minutes then you are
doing this because you want to. Of course, there may be a conflict
of wants here, so that people can honestly both want and not want
to have a broken heart at the same time. The world ain't black
and white. if you are in this boat, then I suggest that you fix
your need for a broken heart, not through time, but through
discovering that other people are free as well and respecting
them for it rather than resenting that they didn't live up
to your expectations. this will fix your broken heart permanently,
and have other wonderful effects. It will cause other people to
think you are weird, however.

If you don't want to do this, do you think that you could let people
know that you expect them to live up to your expectations real
early on (like the first date)? That way those of us who don't
play by these rules can get suckered into another one of these
lousy relationships. Don't think that by not telling you will
keep us -- 'cause we are gonna end it one day if you refuse to
live with *us* but instead keep trying to live with *what you
expect us to be*. Above all else, if you go out with someone
who asks you about this then DON'T LIE. That other has either
been reading the right books lately, or has actually been down
this road before and wants to save you both from pain and time
wasting. Give us a break, huh? Life is tough enough as it is.

FINALLY -- I know that this isn't a popular view. I also know
that like most generalisations, there will be people whom it
will not apply to -- out there is somebody who can have a genuine
pain-type broken heart for more than 20 minutes, for instance.
I don't want to hear about these people -- one of the big things
about having the nice personal commitment to freedom is that you
have to take people as they *are*, not as you *expect them to be*,
remember, so I will have to notice this if I ever know them to a point
where this is significant. If you just want to send me a flame because
you don't like:

	a) this view
or
	b) me personally

don't expect a reply. I used to send replies, but I am too tired for
that right now.

Laura Creighton
utzoo!utcsstat!laura