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Path: utzoo!utcsstat!laura
From: laura@utcsstat.UUCP (Laura Creighton)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: getting over it...
Message-ID: <1670@utcsstat.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 17-Jan-84 02:03:51 EST
Article-I.D.: utcsstat.1670
Posted: Tue Jan 17 02:03:51 1984
Date-Received: Tue, 17-Jan-84 03:22:09 EST
References: <137@psddevl.UUCP>
Organization: U. of Toronto, Canada
Lines: 188

Self pity is not entirely rational. If we were entirely rational we
could wake up in the morning and say "no self pity because it hurts"
and poof! like magic, everything would be okay. While we were at it
we caould arrange to never be angry, depressed, or make stupid mistakes.
Sound likely? No? Well then it is not unreasonable to expect that some
people are going to be self-pitying. Indeed, I have yet to meet anyone
who has never felt self-pity -- it is a real common occurrance.

Look, contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong in self-pity,
anger and whatever. What is wrong is being angry when you do not want
to be angry which is not getting what you want of yourself, which is
wrong by definition. Later you can go home and decide that "it wasn't
really wrong of me to be angry, just wrong of me to not realise that I
needed to be angry" or even "it was wrong of me to think that it was
wrong of me to be angry..." and so on ad infinitum.

The trick is not to think of yourself as a fly stuck on a piece of flypaper
(unless that is what you really want, but if it is, avoid me like the
plague because I am going to try to knock you out of this idea any way
I can, including using techniques that are in general considered 
lousy and cruel by society). Okay. None of this "oh I can't help myself"
stuff. None of this "Oh we are all sinners" stuff. None of this "oh
I had a miserable childhood and it is all my parents fault". None
of this "It hurts too much to think" stuff. do you think that you
can hack this? 

if so, you have passed the Laura Creighton test for friends. You have 
earned my profound and eternal respect forever. I don't pass this one
out easily, folks (in fact I can only think of 2 people who have this,
but there are 2 more on the possible list) which is why I really have very
few respected-friends. This does not mean that I have contempt for the
rest of humanity -- far from it. I have oodles and oodles of compassion
and respect -- as in respect for the unalienable right of -- for all
of humanity at large. it is just the profound and eternal sort that
I don't pass out like bubble gum.

Nor does this mean that I expect these people to be perfect, far from it.
This is the bottom line and really wonderful thing about this sort of
a decision to not be a fly on the fly paper. You know that you are free.
I know that you are free. That means that you are free to be a big sinner
as well as a big saint. Clearly, I think that being a big saint is better,
and i would be perfectly willing to help you become one if that was what
you wanted but I can really, really, really value you even if you decide
to be the big sinner.

Do you want a concrete example? Take Larry Bickford (qubix!lab). He
posted a rather unpopular article in here about a week ago. He is
posting rather unpopular articles in net.religion right now. Okay.
As long time readers of net.religion will know, there is very little
that Larry and i agree on. Our moralities are very, very, very different.
What does this mean? It means that we are justified in calling each other
immoral by our standards. Larry, who believes that he has a handle on the
universal standard due to Christianity can call me immoral, period.

Okay. Where does that leave me? there are those of you who think that I
should hate Larry with a passion beyond all other passions. I think you
need to go away and get your act together more. This kind of hatred is
remarkably useless. Why should I hate him? Because he has freely chosen
to do something that I wouldn't? now, wouldn't that be awful. I would
in fact be saying "Larry, you are free, as long as you do what I would".
Sounds like slavery to me. Sorry, folks, but I won't bite.

So, if I decide not to blindly hate Larry, because I don't agree with
him, what am I left with? Respect, tending towards that profound one
I was talking about earlier. Anybody want to deny that Larry has guts?
You are going to have to settle with Larry and with me if you say that.
I get lots and lots of hate mail. Anybody who posts things that other
people don't want to hear gets hate mail. Larry must get lots of it.
Moreover, in private mail I have ample evidence that Larry has guts.
is this not something admirable? It takes courage to be free. It is
so much easier to blame something else. how could I hate Larry? it
is real life interactions with people with courage that make life
interesting and worthwhile. (note -- other things do as well, including
strawberries, mountains, et al.)

If you find this strange, go back and look at yourself. chances are
you play God all the time. "Everybody is free as long as they agree
with me" is likely to be your motto. (Note -- I *know* there are
exceptions. If you are an exception then look around at other people
and remember that I am not talking about you.)

Also note that Larry could hate my guts (though I don't think he does)
for all I care. I am still going to admire his courage, even though I
catch him playing "everybody be free as long as they agree with my
God the one and true God" which is a particularily gutsy position that
he has taken. thus I can admire people who do not share my views on
freedom. 

But this rambles. back to self pity. Say you come over to my place
in the depths of self pity. Okay. first question: do you realise
that you are free? that you are indulging in self pity because you want
to? [ repeat this question until answer is 'T']. Okay. you are now
admitting this. Fine. next question.

How come you you are doing this rather than something else? This one
is real hard, I know, and I may never get a complete answer. You might
not know. However, having done this route before (remember, I gotta
do this one every time I indulge in self pity, or any action that I
find questionable, for that matter) I know some very common answers to
this question.

1.	I couldn't think of anything better to do.

Fine -- perhaps we can come up with something. Going out for dinner is
my universal solution for damn near everything -- are you sure that
you don't want to go out for dinner?

2.	I just extracated myself from a lousy relationship and I am
	afraid that everybody is going to hate me so I want to make
	you feel sorry for me because I know that you can't hate me
	and feel sorry for me at the same time.

This is a lousy reason, do you see it now? I love you *now*, because
of your strengths, (especially the one that got you to admit this),
and not because I feel sorry for you. you don't have to do this to
get the effect you want.

3.	I haven't been getting enough love lately. i want some, but I
	will make due with pity.

<see last response>

4.	I am in the habit of feeling sorry for myself.

Hmm. We have a big problem here. What do you want to do now?

5.	Self-pity is better than anger. if I don't feel one then I am
	gonna feel the other and go back and slug the bastard.

fair enough. Discussion as to whether this is actually so, or how one
can find out when one doesn't have the choice.

6.	I want to feel angry and I have to work myself up to it through
	self pity.

<see last response>

7.	It is better than despair.

<see last response>

8.	If I don't blame the other person I will have to accept responsibility
	for the failure of (whatever I am feeling sorry about) and I am trying
	to shirk that responsibility.

Tisk tisk. Do you want to shirk that responsibility *now*, as you are aware
that that is what you are doing?

9.	I get off on seeing myself as a martyr and a victim.

Enjoy your self pity. Isn't life fun? There are lots of ways one can play
the martyr if that is what turns you on. If it gets boring, let me know.

10.	I dunno. I tried on all the reasons that I could think of and
	none of them fit.

Hmm. Real problem here. Do you want to see the reasons I can dredge up?

Now, once you have found a reason (given that you find one) you can ask
yourself "why did I do this" and so on. Welcome to introspection. it is
lots of work and you have to remember to go out and have a good time
every so often but it is frightfully rewarding. Especially if you want
to be free -- you would hate to really still be a slave to all those
nasty things that people don't generally talk about in polite company,
right?

By the way, I am getting sick of the people who say that I must never
have suffered from self pity. If you really want to know, the reason
I came up with this list, rather than any other one, is because I
have answered "yes" to every one of those reasons above when I have
asked myself "why are you indulging in self pity?". This is a very
short list, yes, but self pity is not one of the things I do very
often. My list of reasons for guilt runs 9,000+ lines these days.

And I am not going to post it, 'cause it hits too close to home.

Some people have asked me why I would post such a thing, because people
don't want to think about this. They answered their own question. In
the search for other people who are willing to be gutsy enough to be
free (as opposed to only free whenever it is convenient) it is very
nice to find out that there are other people out there. There are days
when you think that you are simply crazy.

Honestly yours, (gee, I never use meaningless salutations, but I have
		 a real one this time!)

Laura Creighton
utzoo!utcsstat!laura