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Path: utzoo!watmath!watdaisy!saquigley
From: saquigley@watdaisy.UUCP (Sophie Quigley)
Newsgroups: net.women
Subject: being "subtle"
Message-ID: <6377@watdaisy.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 4-Jan-84 21:34:36 EST
Article-I.D.: watdaisy.6377
Posted: Wed Jan  4 21:34:36 1984
Date-Received: Thu, 5-Jan-84 06:16:49 EST
Organization: U of Waterloo, Ontario
Lines: 33

I've been receiving a lot of mail since I posted that article complaining
about men's lack of subtlety, and I can't really answer everybody personally,
so I would like to clarify my position.

Many people got the impression that I want all communication between men and
women to be "subtle" and then was complaining about the fact that men were
not good at playing my game.  This is not at all what I wanted to say.

There are only two times when I try to be subtle to communicate:
With good friends who know what I mean and who won't be offended if they don't
know or will ask me.  This is just playfulness subtlety, my friend can play
along if s/he feels like it or not; it doesn't really matter as it is only a
game between friends.
The other time is with men who try to ask me out, but who are not very sure
of my interest and try to be subtle themselves, because they don't want to be
made fools of if they are rejected, and try to judge from my response whether
they should continue.  THEY choose the language, not me (when I want to ask
someone out, I end up not being subtle at all).  These are the people I was
complaining about: many of them willingly choose to be subtle and then do not
understand me when I am answering them in the language THEY chose.  When I do
accept, I usually end up shifting the conversation to a more direct level, 
"yes, I like you" after showing him "subtly" that I like him and he hasn't 
caught on.  When I do refuse, I try to do this subtly as he seems to have
decided that he doesn't want the conversation to be on a "franker" level.  I
think that the least I can do for the poor guy is to say no without making
him look like a fool as he seems to believe that that's what would happen in
a more direct rejection.
What I was pointing out was that those men who start talking to me "subtle"
usually completely misinterpret my response in the same language.  It could
be because I am bad at it, but I don't think it is the case because my friends
who are not involved in this but who are around, notice what I am doing and 
usually comment on it after the guy has left.
direct type, as I believe